Being HOLE-y. April 12,2016.

by

April 12, 2016. 

I like to have all my ducks in a row. I’ve been struggling with this need to control everything in my life, as a lot of us do. The Lord has been revealing to me that I am a very destination focused person and I don’t enjoy the journey. I’m a “grass is greener on the other side” kind of person. The more I learn and grow and the more life has its curveballs the more I realize that trying to control everything makes me frustrated, angry, fearful, annoyed, anxious, and hopeless. When I attempt to be in control I don’t suffer well, heck if I were in control I wouldn’t suffer at all! 

This Sunday my pastor said in his sermon, “Sometimes we are so obsessed with stopping suffering that we don’t learn anything from it.” I had to meditate on that for a minute. That has been so true for me during this trial. The times when I want things to go my way (aka stopping the suffering) I start to desperately look for ways to reach my desitiation (being cured). It’s easy when everyday I get a new cancer cure sent to me. Eat this, spray that, avoid this, fly there etc. The anxiety of the unknown begins to rob me of the joy in the journey. That is the cool thing about suffering though, it shows us just how little control we have, instead, it takes our gaze off of ourselves and our abilities (or lack of) and points is to God. Isn’t there so much peace in that? God is powerful and mighty, He is kind and all knowing, He is empathetic and strong, He is perfect and wise. He is everything we aren’t and most of all He is good and He loves us. He even tells us that He is doing a GOOD work in us. I can’t stop this suffering, but I can control my perspective and focus on what I learn through the journey. It’s like when you’re on a road trip, if you are focused on the destination then time seems to drag on and you get restless. But if you focus on the journey, the beauty of creation, the good conversation, the memories in the music playing, then the destination doesn’t become as important, and if you never arrive at least you made the most of the journey. 

Suffering well means it’s not about us and what we can or can’t do or what we do or don’t deserve. The moment you fix your eyes on you, man you will be met with a lot of self-pity and despair. But the moment you fix your eyes on God, you realize that the things on Earth don’t matter, what God is doing for the eternal kingdom is ultimately what matters! 

I get radiation tomorrow, today I just had follow up appointments from 7-4! It was an exhausting day, oh and they had to cut a chunk of my face out, hence the new gaping hole. So prayers that the hole will heal up nicely too would be appreciated! Love ya!

  

Pink Hair, So What!? September 11, 2015.

by

September 11, 2015.

Mom is back in town! It’s nice to have company again and we’ve actually become friends so it’s kind of like being reunited with my friend.

We had dinner with a really amazing girl named Shongi, we met her at a college group we went to at the beginning of our Seattle journey. She just beams with love and joy and it is absolutely inspiring and it challenges me. She is a true example of what it looks like to live for God. She doesn’t hesitate to live out faith and she is not ashamed of her love for God. Her presence is convicting to me because even though I write a blog where I am not afraid to talk about my faith, I still find it hard to do so in person!

Today I took an Uber with a super hip granny. She had a strip of pink hair and she had a lime green car decorated with furbies. Something in me just assumed that she was an eccentric, hippy type that worshiped mother earth. Judgmental? Heck yeah it was and I’m not proud of it! But as I told her my story of cancer, I found it extremely hard for me to say anything about God. My fear of man crept in and paralyzed me. I knew that I would probably never see her again, I knew that my fear stemmed from a preconceived judgement based on her appearance, yet I let it control me anyway. At the end of the car ride she stepped out, gave me a hug, and told me that she would keep me in her prayers. UGHHH. Conviction already set in. I have tattoos, I have had tons of different hair colors and cuts, I wear makeup, and how many times have I been angry feeling like people have judged me and judged my walk with God? How many times have I “caught people off guard” because I actually know something about the bible? I had a really cool opportunity to share with this woman what God has been doing in my life and I didn’t. I am convicted by Shongi’s example because she loves everybody, she doesn’t judge them or let fear get in the way. Her love for Jesus overflows into love for people, and that’s how I want to be. I want to have boldness for Christ outside of my writing.

 

This whole concept was brought up again in my day because I was watching that show “Wife Swap” and a wife from a Christian family swapped with a wife that was from a family that had a husband, a wife, and a shared girlfriend. I watched as the each side tried to shove their views down each others throats.  Both were at fault because their goal was to win an argument, their goal was to be the right one, their goal wasn’t love, it wasn’t wanting what’s best for one another. Jesus set an example for us, look at how He treated the woman at the well. He didn’t damn her to hell, He didn’t sit there and argue with her to make her change, He didn’t judge her by her appearance and say, “Well she’s beyond helping now, she can’t be saved so why even go there.” He approached her in truth and love. I want my love for Jesus to be the reason that I talk about Him, and for that to be the reason that I’m not afraid! I challenge you to learn about what the gospel is, what is your goal in talking about Jesus?Is it to win an argument? Is it to condemn? To put yourself on a pedestal? Or is it because you love Jesus? Is it because you desire to follow Him and in that you desire others to as well? Because you want to follow His example?

Bottom line, check your motivation guys and I am sure checking mine. By the way I received my invitation to graduation today! They throw a little graduation party for us when we finish radiation so that’s cool. Mine is coming up because, I’M ALMOST DONE WITH TREATMENT! Yay! Then I will be heading back to Klamath and the rest is unknown. I almost cried today at the thought of leaving Seattle, it’s kind of grown on me for sure.

Processed with VSCOcam with t1 preset

 

 

Stop Working. September 10, 2015.

by

September 10, 2015

I’m alone. The house is so quiet and my only company outside of treatment has been a bunch of foreign Uber drivers. It’s been so strange because I haven’t been alone since before I was diagnosed! I almost don’t know how to be alone, which is so strange because I am a very independent person and a bit of an introverted extrovert. But the last 3 months have been visitors, doctors, family, hotels, and hospitals, just go go go. At first I woke up and wanted to cry as I stared at the empty beds by me. But later I welcomed the quiet. I relaxed and it was actually much needed. To be alone with God, to be alone with my thoughts and just take some time in peace.
I had a great conversation with a friend of mine earlier. She was really transparent with me in that she was having a tough time accepting grace. I could relate to that on SO many levels. Our whole human existence is based on us working for things. I mean we work out to get a good body, we work hard at school to get a degree, we work hard at our career to have success, we work for things and it feels good when we have a slice of glory knowing that we earned all that we worked for. It’s so rewarding to work hard for something and to reap the reward, we want to show it off right? We want people to see all that we’ve accomplished. What if our relationship with God was like that? I mean isn’t it so tempting and so part of our human nature to make it that way? Oh if we work hard enough on our spiritual checklist, then I will reap the reward of God’s love. Or oh if we are just nice enough to people, or if I convert enough people, then I will reap the reward. But the problem with that mindset is it’s all set to glorify yourself. Your motives are off because you have the order: Obey/Work, Love, Believe. If you obey and do enough then you will win God’s love and therefore you will believe in Him. It’s rewarding, it’s self-gratifying, it’s good on our pride to think that we worked hard. That’s why grace is so radical, because God says, hey there is nothing you could possibly do to make me love you more OR love you less. I sent my son to save you and it is finished. He says to Believe, Love, Obey/Work. Because you believe and love God, that in itself will motivate you to obey Him and work hard to become more Christ-like. That motivation is God centered and focused on glorifying Him. SO instead of focusing on what you are doing wrong and how you aren’t doing enough for God, focus your heart on the gospel. Allow it to transform you and out of that you will obey! It’s just cool to me to think that it’s that easy. So I challenge you to know the gospel, walk in it and when your life is God centered He will help you.
Nearing the end of radiation! YAYYYY! Love you all and I hope you’re enjoying the new website.

IMG_0216

Lost Some Hair, Gained Some More. September 9, 2015.

by

September 9. 2015.

This is the new website! It has a few more kinks to iron out but for the most part it is all finished! Ade did the whole thing and she rocked it didn’t she? SO from now on I will be posting from here and the old one will not be updated. This one is prettier, more professional, and easier to navigate. There is a subscribe button so you can get all the post notifications!

I decided I was going to rock the shaved side thing like Demi or Skrillex, I got my photos all ready and I was moving forward with a positive outlook on my new bald spot. It’s just another battle scar right? I wanted to show society that I wasn’t about to be ashamed of fighting for my life. So I entered the only barber shop opened on that Monday, a barber shop seemed legit anyway, after all they shave heads all the time! A real pretty gal with flamin’ red hair and tons of tattoos brought me to the chair. I told her right away about my situation and showed her the pictures. She was all for it, she even proceeded to tell me that she was Macklemore’s stylist! What!? How does that even happen? I guess she grew up with him and she cuts hair part-time more for fun. Anyway automatically I trusted her even more, I mean Macklemore guys. So she shaves a third of my head, I was expecting that, I mean it’s better than it falling out all over the place. Then she tells me that it would be a good idea to blend my hair so i don’t have a giant bald patch, she suggested a little a-line, not taking off too much length. I was all for it, I’ve had an a-line a million times and I like the look of it. So she starts doing her trimming and cutting, meanwhile I kind of took a deep breath and my attention shifted to the wall covered in magazine photos. I looked up just in time to see her cut a huge chunk off the back of my hair…

I watched in SHOCK as the hair that had just grown out from my pixie quickly turned back into a pixie… It was too late, there was no going back, my hair was ruined. I’m not confrontational you guys, in fact I’d rather sit there while she hacked away my hair and keep my mouth shut. At this point it was too late, but I still could have saved some of my hair! When she finally finished, to my dismay, she had used the wrong terminology. When she said a-line she really meant asymmetrical. So one side of my hair was pixie short and the other side was longer. Super trendy if I were lady gaga or something but I have never hated something more in my life! I felt like one of those characters that’s half girl and half boy, like I needed to walk around in half a tux and half a wedding gown. The moment I stepped out of the salon I burst into tears. I cried the entire walk home and I was more hysterical than when I found out I was losing a third of my hair.

Quickly the girls offered advice and we decided to go get extensions at Sally’s. Thank the Lord for Jess, she spent hours sewing them into my multi-length hair. I also had to part ways with the fun silver color, but it would have been a hit or miss as to whether the extensions would be the right color or not. I couldn’t handle another miss, this time HAD to be a hit! And it was, I really like having long hair again and it’s a nice change. The funniest thing about this whole thing is that I don’t have extensions because I have cancer and I’m losing my hair. I’m not trying to cover up the bald patch, I’m not ashamed of my hair loss. I have extensions because by me trying to embrace the bald I ended up with the worst haircut of my life!

Now the hard part is trying to understand what the Lord is having me learn from this. I mean the balding thing made sense and clicked with me, but a bad haircut? I mean come on! I know it will probably be revealed to me later, or maybe the haircut wasn’t even about me, who knows. At the end of the day it’s just hair, it grows back. For those of you who have been or are going through hair loss, embrace it! I know society tries to make us feel ugly and I know there are going to be stares. But how beautiful is it that you have an outward appearance of your fight? You can walk around in confidence knowing that you are fighting, you are surviving. Don’t let the hair loss keep you from remembering this time in your life, take pictures, go in public. There is so much beauty in this battle!

IMG_0206

Losing my Hair. September 8, 2015.

by
September 8, 2015.

Hope you all had a fantastic labor day! If I’m honest I had a pretty terrible weekend. Okay actually just a terrible Sunday and Monday…continue reading to find out why.

Sunday morning started off really well, the church we go to is amazing and the preacher is so on point and relate-able. Previous to church I had been kind of convicted about how I’ve been living the past 2 weeks. I’ve been too comfortable guys, I started to get into a routine with radiation and I started to kind of relax knowing that I’m doing all that I can to fight cancer right now. With that relaxation came comfort, but not the peaceful comfort, more of a lazy comfort. I began to take a vacation from life, from my walk with God, and from cancer. I wasn’t making time for juicing, praying, blogging, etc. Then I noticed that in this vacation mode my sin tendencies were magnified. I was getting impatient, defensive, annoyed, and angry. I was gossiping more and my insecurities and vanity were slowly creeping back in, I just started to fall back into the person that I don’t want to be. So I had a little conviction in my heart previous to the sermon, then the sermon did what any good sermon is supposed to do, it brought on the real deal conviction.

The pastor talked about how God uses sinners, he talked a lot about Peter and Paul as examples, but he said something that really stuck with me. He said “It’s not that we walk away from God, it’s that we aren’t walking in the gospel.” I don’t know what is was but the Lord used that sentence to seriously convict me for being on a vacation, sippin’ margaritas in my comfort zone.  I remember when I was a kid I heard a pastor preach about praying that God would push you out of your comfort zone to grow your faith and serve Him. He mentioned that your heart really has to be right because you might end up in Islam being killed for God, or something like that. In my little kid brain I was like, “No way am I praying that prayer, I don’t think I could die for being a Christian!” Now as I look back on it, I don’t think the pastor was actually saying that, instead he was alluding to the fact that if you pray for your faith to grow and if you want to be pushed out of your comfort zone, expect for the Lord to bring you through hard things. So I sat there in conviction and prayed for the Lord to push me outside of my comfort zone, to shake me out of vacation mode and allow my faith to continue to grow (I already have cancer, what’s the worst that could happen?!) (that’s a total joke by the way). I walked out of church feeling refreshed and ready to get back to business, little did I know that the business would begin right as I left the building.

I ran my finger through my hair, like always, I don’t know if I think it will help the style or if I just like the feeling of it, but this time was different, this time instead of my hand going through with ease, it came out with a giant chunk of hair. It was abnormal for sure but sometimes you just lose some hair, so I continued on. All day. Chunk after chunk fell onto my clothes, into my hand, onto the floor, everywhere. I was losing my hair. It gave me a flash back to the times I was a kid and I would lose a small pile of hair in the shower and sometimes worry that I have cancer. I mean hair loss is probably the biggest symbol of cancer in our culture. When you google cancer all that comes up is bald people. I wasn’t prepared to lose any of my hair, no one warned me. Remember how I prayed for the Lord to jolt me out of vacation mode? Yeah well I sat there and stared at the bald spot emerging on my head and I was reminded all so suddenly that I was indeed still sick.

I cried. The idea of a large bald spot on the side of my head wasn’t the reason that I cried though, I cried because I could now empathize with the thousands of cancer patients that lose their hair. I cried because society makes me and them feel ugly for losing hair.  I was faced with a choice right here, I could curse God for not only letting me go through cancer but now letting my hair fall out too, or I could realize that He was answering my prayer. I prayed for my faith to grow, and I prayed to be pushed out of my comfort zone, and here, he delivered. This was my Islam, (not extreme) but this was the next hard thing the Lord was going to bring me through.

With that I decided to move forward and embrace my new bald spot, so I found what I thought was a cool hairstyle to work it…

Part 2 of the story will be in the next blog so stay tuned for the second terrible day on my new website! The new blog has been in the works and it is coming tomorrow! Get excited peeps because it’s a beaut! 


Sugar and Spice. September 4, 2015.

by

September 4, 2015.

So I had to get a CT scan yesterday because I was at my appointment once again for a good hour trying to get the mask right. This time was worse though because my patience had reached its max the day before, and this time I was actually in the mask for a half an hour rather than them taking it on and off. As I sat there I started to realize how tight it was and how I really couldn’t move at all. Then I think I almost started to feel claustrophobic and I kind of panicked slightly! Then I was so frustrated and I had such a headache from the mask being too tight that I actually teared up. Now since the CT scan was done the HOPE is that it will be easier from now on! I got some stuff called Magic Mouth wash to help my throat so I can eat solid food. The downside is that I will lose my taste, THE UP SIDE is that I won’t be able to taste the juice! HAHA YES!

I have been thinking a lot about kindness lately. It’s like the Lord knows that I am noticing genuine kindness and was like “Oh you like that? Oh here you go you can see an example of that every single day!” Like I’m not sure if He is just telling me to take a hint and be nicer or if I need to just take notes. Anyway I want to tell you a few incidences. Rose and Jim for starters, (our neighbors at the cancer house). They come over every single day and check on us to make sure we are doing okay. They were at the farmer’s market and thought about my juice and got me stuff to juice. They were doing a load of laundry and came over to see if there was anything we needed washed. And I could sit here and list things off all day but they are genuine and absolutely sweet people. They are the type of people that after you close the door all you can say is, “Oh my gosh they are just so awesome.” Then there’s the Sliker’s. They are family friends that live here in Seattle. They have hosted us at their house and had us over for dinner. They give us vegetables to juice every single week. And yesterday as they were on their way to drop the veggies off they called to see if there was anything they could pick up for us on their way, then they proceeded to give us a ride to Ballard. Once again I could go on! Even just today as we were trying clothes on at the store the lady working there was super sweet and bubbly, it was so refreshing. Also, we went to coffee and lunch today with Yarik (a friend from Moody) and his cousin. They offered to buy our coffee and food without hesitation and when I was about to get an Uber to go to my appointment they said, “Don’t be silly we would love to drive you!”
 So what sets these people apart?
Selflessness: concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own; unselfish. It truly goes beyond kindness when it comes to what set’s these people apart. They are selfless. You can do plenty of kind things with the “karma” mindset without even realizing. Being kind with strings attached and being kind without your heart being in the right place. Boy I am SO guilty of this. Giving people a ride but thinking about how much gas you’re using. Buying someone coffee but hoping that they will pick up the lunch tab. Cooking someone dinner but yelling in a fight, “BUT I COOKED YOU DINNER!” Calling to check on someone but scrolling through Pinterest while they talk. These examples in my life have thought of others needs FIRST. If I were to go do my laundry I would just get it done and wondering if my neighbor had laundry that needed to be done would have NEVER crossed my mind.

Being selfless is against our nature you guys so if you have the same conviction as me right now don’t worry! It’s something you have to work toward. You first need to find examples of your life, actually take the time to notice when people do something for you that is selfless. Then when you are doing the average, mundane things in life (like laundry), stop and see if there is a way that you can be selfless in it. Go beyond kindness and be SELFLESS.

. 

Get Uncomfortable. July 9, 2015.

by
July 9, 2015

I got to see my grandma that we call Mame yesterday. I love that girl so so much I can’t even express it in words! Mame consider this a note to you. Mame, you are the most selfless and generous person I have ever met in my life. You give without seeking anything in return. You never hesitate to help the ones you love even if it is a sacrifice to you. You have shown your love to your family daily in various ways and I have been hugely impacted by your example to me. What a strong person you are and how dear to my heart you are. You have changed my life for the better. From Easter outfits, giant cartons of Goldfish, tea parties, my car, the chance to go to Europe, the opportunity to go to college, the most memorable Halloweens, and now as you help me fight for my life. You have radically changed my life Mame and I could never express enough gratitude. You are an amazing woman and I will seek to be as humble and giving as you are. Even when you are helping me you only express your gratitude for us. I love you a bushel and a peck!

To those of you who decided to read that, I hope you take something away from the kind of person you should strive to be! What an amazing example of unconditional and sacrificial love. That is the love our God has for us and that is the kind of love I will strive to show others. That is the love that changes and saves lives!

Today started off super stressful. I got reprimanded by one doctor, the next phone call told us that our insurance will not cover the cost of radiation if I get it in Seattle, and the third call was from Dr. Sunwu letting me know that they found more cancer on the MRI! I started off discouraged like I was bombarded with bad news. I got myself worked up and worried, offended and scared, not trusting that I will get the care I need and not trusting that God will be faithful to provide finances. Then I just paused. WAIT. First of all God is in charge of my care. Not the doctors, not the secretaries, not the nurses, sure they have pulled strings to get me into surgery and save my life but God made those appointments available. He is in control and the only way I’m not going to get the proper care by my standards and my human expectations is if God has a different and better plan. He is in control, He is faithful, He is loving, and He has begun a good work in me and will see it through to the end. Then I was reminded that God has been more than faithful to provide finances so if the insurance doesn’t cover radiation at Seattle then there are other options and it will work out! I truly was happier that they caught the other cancer via the MRI because now they can take that out during surgery as well. It’s in my salivary glands near my ear so it will add a few extra hours onto the already 4 hour surgery. You better suggest some good reading material or movies to my family as they wait! Praise God for technology and doctors with a keen eye.

I have to share with you first of all I want you guys to know that sometimes I make jokes about my situation not to be sick or hide from my true feelings, sometimes it helps me to be positive and lighten the mood! After Dr. Sunwu listed off the extra risk factors I now face, one of them was the small chance of permanent paralysis on one half of my face. I jokingly said to my parents, “Hopefully that doesn’t happen because I’ll be really sad if I never get married!” to that Dad responds, “At least part of you will be!” HAHA bad um tsch. For those of you who didn’t get it, if half of my face is paralyzed it will have a droopy sad face look. Sometimes you gotta enjoy those jokes!

I want to thank everyone for not only reading my blog but giving me feedback, input, and showing me how it has changed you or your perspective on things. This makes my heart so happy! God is using the gift He gave me of writing and the knowledge He gave me from my surroundings and His Word and I am so happy to see it impact people. We are up to 9,000 views! My goodness you all must have a lot of friends because I sure don’t have that many! Thank you for sharing this with others, you truly never know what sentence, what story, what verse, or what quote may help a person in their situation. That is why it’s so important to not let your insecurities hold you back. If I let my insecurities get the best of me I would have never even started a blog in fear of rejection or judgement. Be authentic, and be transparent. It gets uncomfortable you guys! And that’s okay! You never know what seed you will plant. You may say something and someone will despise you for it. Later as they change and mature or their circumstances change they may look back on that moment where maybe you felt uncomfortable and they may be impacted greatly. We have to trust that God will use our words for His glory. We may not like it, we may be afraid, we may never even see the impact. But if you never take that chance you’ll never impact anyone, and you will sit alone in your comfort. 

Beautiful People. July 8, 2015.

by
July 8, 2015

I’m home! If any of you want to stop by the house Saturday from 6pm-9pm I’d love to have visitors! If you don’t have my address and want it just message me. It feels so good to have a few days to rest in my own bed and surround myself with more people that I love. I used to hate this town (Klamath Falls, OR) but now that I’ve lived elsewhere I have gained a new appreciation for the small town feel and beauty of my home. My parents are really amazing and they have an entire organic farm. Mom is in heaven being back home where she can pump me full of all the veggies she and my Dad have worked hard on growing and lots of organic eggs from our chickens. As much as I moan and groan about all the juices, smoothies, fermented carrots, and not getting to have carbs or gummy worms, I really have noticed a difference. I feel like eating a nutritious, organic diet has benefited me in that I don’t have headaches, I don’t get any kind of bloating, I don’t ever feel like I’m in a food coma, and I actually think my hair and skin feel better! Many people have talked about how much your diet affects your everyday life and how it especially affects your Cancer journey. Many people say that after changing their diet they have either cured themselves of Cancer or they have at least made their situation a lot easier. I also want to point out that I am really grateful that my Mom has put so much time and energy in feeding me a healthy diet. Although I am a total drama queen it has been a good transition and I hope to continue this lifestyle and I encourage you to look into it as well!

I got to see my Grammy and Aunt Sherise last night. I have been so blessed to grow up with strong women in my life who are not only role models to me but really my best friends. They told me about this really awesome moment they had when my Aunt Jen, Aunt Sherise, and Grammy just shared a good cry together. That brings so much joy to my heart. I want you guys to know that I actually like hearing about those moments. Not that I’m thinking “Awe they are crying for me because they love me that much.” That’s not why it brings me joy. It brings me joy because moments shared like that are beautiful moments. Crying is the most vulnerable state a person can be in and sharing that with others, that moment when all your walls are down and you truly feel loved as the other person embraces and comforts you, those are the times that bring us together. Those are the times when we are transparent and authentic. It doesn’t make me sad or give me the wrong idea when you share those moments with me, or when you take that moment with me.  Like I mentioned before, I don’t need anyone “being strong” for me. I need people to be real with me. Tell me how you feel! Many people have told me that they appreciate that I’m raw and vulnerable in my blog, well just like people appreciate that, I appreciate that too. Worst case scenario is that Cancer is going to kill me. I know that and I’ve accepted it. I have peace in God’s plan and seeing the ones I love, or the even seeing strangers allow this to bring them closer together gives me joy. And that is what I want to look back on, not the times when everyone held it together and kept their “cool” for me. This is part of the fruit guys! The Lord has blessed me enough to allow me to see the fruit of my trial. People coming together in authentic fellowship, leaning on Christ, growing their faith, loving themselves and others with a Christ-like love, that’s what this is about. And at the end of the day I have a reason to smile in the midst of all this.

A beautiful journal was donated to me recently and a quote was marked in it that read,

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

This quote is something magnificent in all its truth. I started thinking of every example of someone I would consider a beautiful person. Esther for example in the bible, I always admired her for her strength and what do you know, she found her way out of the depths or suffering, and loss for sure. I would say that every person in the Bible including Christ himself knew loss, suffering, defeat, and rose from the depths of every struggle. The key point here being “found her way out of the depths” notice how beautiful people aren’t a product of sitting in your loss, defeat, or suffering, or ignoring it, or running from it, FIND YOUR WAY OUT. Now I really don’t know how people hope to do this without faith, I think of it like Jesus guides me out. Without him I’d be stuck. We all have the chance to be beautiful people. Choose to find your way out, choose to let your struggles define you in a good way. Seek help from Christ you guys, He will never leave you stranded, He will always guide you out of the dark. Beautiful people don’t just happen.


Quick update/praise! We are at a grand total of….of…. $8000!!!!! I am stunned as I type that many zeros, you guys God is so faithful and I am just humbled and so grateful for your support. You are going to help save my life. I have my surgery at Stanford for sure this Monday, I’m not sure what time yet. I am so beyond blessed that they were able to squeeze me in, also Traci my amazing angel got a room donated for my parents for 3 nights while I’m in the hospital! The blessings just keep flowing and our God is so good. The surgery is on my face where they have to clear the margins and they will be doing a neck dissection, it will take an estimated 4ish hours. Praise God for your support! Thank you thank you a million times thank you. 

Celebrating Cancer? July 7, 2015.

by
July 7, 2015

I received a Facebook message today from a girl that I’ve never met. I am so humbled and honored that people would reach out to me to encourage me and admit to me that they read my blog. I love hearing that God is using my trial beyond even my friends and family and allowing me to meet new people and allow them to enrich my life! She is 14 years old, and very inquisitive for her age. She asked me “After everything you have been through and getting Cancer, how do you stay so positive and not question Gods plan?” Now this is a very thoughtful question and caused me to pause and think. The first thing that came to mind was the verse, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 

But before I go any further in answering that question from my perspective, I want to be transparent in saying that I have’t always been positive and indeed I have questioned His plan! This is human nature and it’s okay to take your moment in that. It’s important to make it just that, a moment. Not a constant mindset or state. That being said I just wanted to assure you that I’m no super human and although I have faith in our mighty God I have had my moments as well! I would say first of all I cling to the truth of God’s word. That Jeremiah 29:11 rings true as well as, “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6. The whole bible is God’s living Word to give us peace, comfort, and faith in times of trials. Go to that before anything else. Knowing God’s promises helps me to stay positive because although He doesn’t say it will be easy, He does say He will never abandon us or make us walk alone.

Then I go to the Lord in prayer. Prayer has proven to be a powerful thing in my life and especially during this trial. I have cried out to God in prayer for help, for strength, for faith, for providence, I have asked Him to remove any doubt or fear, I have been honest in my times of unrest, and He has been nothing but faithful to answer. Although it doesn’t always come down on a silver platter in our time of need, life isn’t like the hunger games! Sometimes you are called to be patient, sometimes you have a FedEx moment when God answers prayer right away. You have to rest knowing that He desires the best for you and He will use your life for His glory.

Sometimes reading the bible and prayer doesn’t feel like they’re enough. I don’t think this is a bad thing, God gave us fellowship and community for a reason. I have clung to every encouraging word or gesture made by those who love me. Jesus chose 12 people to be His closest followers. They were a support group, and a family to one another. Surround yourself with people who love you and care about seeing you grow. Anytime I even think about being negative or depressed the Lord uses everyone in my life to intervene. It’s so important to have people in your life that speak truth to you but it is also important to be a person that speaks truth and encouragement in the lives of others. If you have a standard for the kinds of people you want in your life you must first meet that standard yourself.

During trials I encourage you to magnify the things worth celebrating. I have said this before and I’ll say it again but Cancer has made me appreciate the little things I took for granted before. The intricacy of God’s creation shown in a little Sunflower, the overwhelming joy shown on a kid’s face when they get candy, the way music can stir up a deep emotion inside a room at the same time, whatever it is that you can find joy and life in, do it. In the times when I have felt sad or melancholy I focus on one thing, for me I usually focus on the lyrics of a song or a specific instrument that moves me.


As far as questioning God’s plan, that’s a good question because I feel like I haven’t had to focus on not doing that. I would say that the saying, “If God brings you to it He will see you through it.” Rings a lot of truth. God didn’t just pick me up and dump Cancer on me without preparing me. He truly doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. Not by my strength, let me clarify, the strength I have comes from God and is way beyond me! But as I look back on the smaller trials in my life God has never failed me. In those past trials the struggle was real! I wasn’t at all positive and I asked God why all the time! Baby steps, it’s not an overnight thing. It’s kind of like a winding road. There are times when the road is straight and you can see everything ahead, and there are times when there is a turn and you have no idea what’s coming. We can’t see the bigger picture. But that’s faith. Trusting that God will not lead us off the cliff, sometimes we might hit a bump, sometimes our car breaks down, and sometimes you may never know why. There have been trials in my life that I went through and I still don’t know why! But the why doesn’t matter, not if you believe that God is sovereign and He is good. I almost ask myself, why not? The answer comes back with, “Because I’m scared.” or “Because I don’t want to” We aren’t called to serve ourselves and we aren’t called to live comfortable lives. If we never went through trials then we’d never grow and we’d never be pushed toward the cross. God is good! There is peace in that you guys, peace doesn’t mean comfort and it doesn’t always come easy.