Dreams. August 1, 2015.

August 1, 2015.

Do you ever wake up after having a ridiculously realistic dream and feel like it really happened? Like you wake up after dreaming you were late to work and you feel panicked and stressed, or you wake up after having a dream that you started dating that cute boy and you smile to yourself feeling like it was really true? That happened to me this morning. I had a very realistic dream that I had a beautiful baby boy. My family joined me at the hospital as we all admired my son and we were crying in celebration. I woke up this morning excited, ready to see my son. When I opened my eyes to an empty apartment a pit formed in my stomach. Just a dream. But I felt defeated, I felt crushed, and I felt really sad. I kept telling myself not to go there but the realness of the dream made me think, "Will I ever get to experience the feeling of holding my own child?" I went there and I was sad. 

The day continued on and I tried to keep my composure as it felt like one thing after another went wrong. The doctors called to tell me that they need me to come back to Seattle on Monday to get a radiation plan set up just in case I end up with Stage 3b. Then they couldn't tell me if I would be able to get my biopsy done as well. Anyway I was stressed because everything was so vague and I couldn't plan. I really felt Traci's absence in those moments and it made me even more grateful that I had her by my side as long as I did. As I was stressing out and starting to get anxious my friend Micaiah came alongside me and supported, encouraged, and prayed for me. She, with her selfless spirit immediately started making calls to see what she could do to help. I was really afraid of going to my appointments alone, I don't know if I'm overreacting or not but the thought of being in a big city, trying to gather all the new info, and possibly getting a needle shoved in my stomach all while being alone really didn't sit well with me. In my stressed state I started to understand how poisonous anxiety is. It tried to affect every aspect of my day and I kept repeating God's blessing to myself and I tried to remind myself that He is faithful but I felt weary. Micaiah and her family came through for me and showed me what it means to be generous and show Christ. Her family has never met me yet they said that because I am a sister in Christ they would do everything to help. THAT is what it means to treat each other like brothers and sisters! 

As the day continued on we went to a house warming party at Garret's place. We all sat in fellowship and shared stories of the summer and blessed each other with community. As we prepared to leave everyone sat around me and said a prayer for me. I was stunned. This was the community I was seeking. This what I needed. To feel the people that I call my brothers and sisters in Christ physically surround me and support me was truly amazing. I was so happy that God answered my prayers and sent me the authentic, loving community during this time of need. I ended today feeling refreshed and ready to face these appointments with new friends by my side and God walking with us. Love you all!