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Losing my Hair. September 8, 2015.

September 8, 2015.

Hope you all had a fantastic labor day! If I’m honest I had a pretty terrible weekend. Okay actually just a terrible Sunday and Monday…continue reading to find out why.

Sunday morning started off really well, the church we go to is amazing and the preacher is so on point and relate-able. Previous to church I had been kind of convicted about how I’ve been living the past 2 weeks. I’ve been too comfortable guys, I started to get into a routine with radiation and I started to kind of relax knowing that I’m doing all that I can to fight cancer right now. With that relaxation came comfort, but not the peaceful comfort, more of a lazy comfort. I began to take a vacation from life, from my walk with God, and from cancer. I wasn’t making time for juicing, praying, blogging, etc. Then I noticed that in this vacation mode my sin tendencies were magnified. I was getting impatient, defensive, annoyed, and angry. I was gossiping more and my insecurities and vanity were slowly creeping back in, I just started to fall back into the person that I don’t want to be. So I had a little conviction in my heart previous to the sermon, then the sermon did what any good sermon is supposed to do, it brought on the real deal conviction.

The pastor talked about how God uses sinners, he talked a lot about Peter and Paul as examples, but he said something that really stuck with me. He said “It’s not that we walk away from God, it’s that we aren’t walking in the gospel.” I don’t know what is was but the Lord used that sentence to seriously convict me for being on a vacation, sippin’ margaritas in my comfort zone.  I remember when I was a kid I heard a pastor preach about praying that God would push you out of your comfort zone to grow your faith and serve Him. He mentioned that your heart really has to be right because you might end up in Islam being killed for God, or something like that. In my little kid brain I was like, “No way am I praying that prayer, I don’t think I could die for being a Christian!” Now as I look back on it, I don’t think the pastor was actually saying that, instead he was alluding to the fact that if you pray for your faith to grow and if you want to be pushed out of your comfort zone, expect for the Lord to bring you through hard things. So I sat there in conviction and prayed for the Lord to push me outside of my comfort zone, to shake me out of vacation mode and allow my faith to continue to grow (I already have cancer, what’s the worst that could happen?!) (that’s a total joke by the way). I walked out of church feeling refreshed and ready to get back to business, little did I know that the business would begin right as I left the building.

I ran my finger through my hair, like always, I don’t know if I think it will help the style or if I just like the feeling of it, but this time was different, this time instead of my hand going through with ease, it came out with a giant chunk of hair. It was abnormal for sure but sometimes you just lose some hair, so I continued on. All day. Chunk after chunk fell onto my clothes, into my hand, onto the floor, everywhere. I was losing my hair. It gave me a flash back to the times I was a kid and I would lose a small pile of hair in the shower and sometimes worry that I have cancer. I mean hair loss is probably the biggest symbol of cancer in our culture. When you google cancer all that comes up is bald people. I wasn’t prepared to lose any of my hair, no one warned me. Remember how I prayed for the Lord to jolt me out of vacation mode? Yeah well I sat there and stared at the bald spot emerging on my head and I was reminded all so suddenly that I was indeed still sick.

I cried. The idea of a large bald spot on the side of my head wasn’t the reason that I cried though, I cried because I could now empathize with the thousands of cancer patients that lose their hair. I cried because society makes me and them feel ugly for losing hair.  I was faced with a choice right here, I could curse God for not only letting me go through cancer but now letting my hair fall out too, or I could realize that He was answering my prayer. I prayed for my faith to grow, and I prayed to be pushed out of my comfort zone, and here, he delivered. This was my Islam, (not extreme) but this was the next hard thing the Lord was going to bring me through.

With that I decided to move forward and embrace my new bald spot, so I found what I thought was a cool hairstyle to work it…

Part 2 of the story will be in the next blog so stay tuned for the second terrible day on my new website! The new blog has been in the works and it is coming tomorrow! Get excited peeps because it's a beaut! 

Sugar and Spice. September 4, 2015.

September 4, 2015.

So I had to get a CT scan yesterday because I was at my appointment once again for a good hour trying to get the mask right. This time was worse though because my patience had reached its max the day before, and this time I was actually in the mask for a half an hour rather than them taking it on and off. As I sat there I started to realize how tight it was and how I really couldn’t move at all. Then I think I almost started to feel claustrophobic and I kind of panicked slightly! Then I was so frustrated and I had such a headache from the mask being too tight that I actually teared up. Now since the CT scan was done the HOPE is that it will be easier from now on! I got some stuff called Magic Mouth wash to help my throat so I can eat solid food. The downside is that I will lose my taste, THE UP SIDE is that I won’t be able to taste the juice! HAHA YES!

I have been thinking a lot about kindness lately. It’s like the Lord knows that I am noticing genuine kindness and was like “Oh you like that? Oh here you go you can see an example of that every single day!” Like I’m not sure if He is just telling me to take a hint and be nicer or if I need to just take notes. Anyway I want to tell you a few incidences. Rose and Jim for starters, (our neighbors at the cancer house). They come over every single day and check on us to make sure we are doing okay. They were at the farmer’s market and thought about my juice and got me stuff to juice. They were doing a load of laundry and came over to see if there was anything we needed washed. And I could sit here and list things off all day but they are genuine and absolutely sweet people. They are the type of people that after you close the door all you can say is, “Oh my gosh they are just so awesome.” Then there’s the Sliker’s. They are family friends that live here in Seattle. They have hosted us at their house and had us over for dinner. They give us vegetables to juice every single week. And yesterday as they were on their way to drop the veggies off they called to see if there was anything they could pick up for us on their way, then they proceeded to give us a ride to Ballard. Once again I could go on! Even just today as we were trying clothes on at the store the lady working there was super sweet and bubbly, it was so refreshing. Also, we went to coffee and lunch today with Yarik (a friend from Moody) and his cousin. They offered to buy our coffee and food without hesitation and when I was about to get an Uber to go to my appointment they said, “Don’t be silly we would love to drive you!”

 So what sets these people apart?

Selflessness: concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one's own; unselfish. It truly goes beyond kindness when it comes to what set’s these people apart. They are selfless. You can do plenty of kind things with the “karma” mindset without even realizing. Being kind with strings attached and being kind without your heart being in the right place. Boy I am SO guilty of this. Giving people a ride but thinking about how much gas you’re using. Buying someone coffee but hoping that they will pick up the lunch tab. Cooking someone dinner but yelling in a fight, “BUT I COOKED YOU DINNER!” Calling to check on someone but scrolling through Pinterest while they talk. These examples in my life have thought of others needs FIRST. If I were to go do my laundry I would just get it done and wondering if my neighbor had laundry that needed to be done would have NEVER crossed my mind.

Being selfless is against our nature you guys so if you have the same conviction as me right now don’t worry! It’s something you have to work toward. You first need to find examples of your life, actually take the time to notice when people do something for you that is selfless. Then when you are doing the average, mundane things in life (like laundry), stop and see if there is a way that you can be selfless in it. Go beyond kindness and be SELFLESS.

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The Superpower of Impatience. September 2, 2015.

September 2, 2015.

So now I absolutely can’t eat solid food, I tried eating a banana today and it felt like I was swallowing razor blades! So if anyone knows of a place in Seattle with a killer soup selection, I’m all ears!

Today was a day of learning about patience. Why is patience such a hard concept for some of us? And why is it really easy in some areas and on some days but not others? My patience was tested today, boy was it tested. I arrived at my appointment at 3:15 like normal and they took me back to put on my mask and get me ready. Well the first time my neck didn’t curve right, so all the tape and snaps had to come off and they had to redo it. 2 times, 3 times, 6 times, and two hours later. At first I have an easy time being patient, it has to be done perfect and I understand that they are doing their best. Then I can feel them getting impatient, gosh I would too! I mean I would have given up and probably said some choice words. The entire time I was laying on the table I played it over and over in my mind, how does getting impatient and mad help anything? 

This is an honest struggle for me! It doesn’t speed up time, it doesn’t change the order of things, in fact it makes the whole situation worse. So I tried to keep a smile on my face and pray that the Lord would give me extra patience as the mask was pushed on and off my face over and over again. Then I finally get done and all I want to do is leave and my Sister was supposed to pick us up. Traffic, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, and hour goes by. This time I didn’t pray, there were no deep breaths or smiles, I lost my patience. I got mad and frustrated and I spent the hour watching the clock as if it would speed up time. Frustration turned to anger, anger turned to hate, hate to bitterness, you choose the order but a lot of sinning went down and for what? Did it help? Did it make the traffic magically disappear? No. So now as I sit and wait I write this in conviction. I am choosing to use this time for something good, I am taking advantage of the time I have to sit and I can tell you what, it feels a lot better than being impatient! Cancer has given me a lot of perspective, one being life is short. We need to spend more time enjoying the moments and less time being rushed, mad, frustrated, and impatient. We are a go go go culture and we get annoyed when things don't go our way! I should be feeling blessed that the doctors would take the time to get my mask right, I should feel grateful to even own a car, and I should cherish this time I have to sit in a nice doctor's office and be with my beautiful cousin! Perspective, it's a wonderful thing. 

So my challenge today is to find a moment that you can easily become impatient, during a traffic jam, a long office meeting, as you wait for your child to get out of soccer practice, whatever your situation is, find something good to do during that time instead of letting your impatience turn into bitterness and anger. Because impatience isn’t a superpower! You aren't going to magically make things change, you aren’t helping or changing anything so why do it? 

The picture shows my current radiation burn. Not the best looking thing but it's working!

Monkey Connection. September 1, 2015.

September 1, 2015.

We went to the zoo today and it was Jess's first time ever! You could say she shared a special connection with a monkey so her day was made. Radiation side effects are worsening, I can barely swallow solid food now because my throat is so dry so prayers for that would be awesome! 

We went to a rad college group tonight! The speaker was authentic and transparent and the community was really genuine. Jess and I walked out and didn't introduce ourselves to anyone. As we walked down the street I thought about my recent blog and how I challenged you all to pour into a community and allow the community to pour into you. I stopped dead in my tracks and knew that I needed to go back in there and develop a community. If not for them to pour into me, for me to allow the Lord to use me to pour into them. So we went back in. It's so easy to let fear and insecurity hold you back from meeting people isn't it? But how rewarding is it when you go forward with the confidence in Christ! The amazing thing about the Christian community is that you are walking into a room of your brother and sisters. You should walk in feeling like you could rely on any one of them and you should walk in excitedly anticipating how God is going to use you.

So we did! We walked in and right away I was able to share the amazing testimony of the Lord and His work through me during my battle with cancer. Now if we would have continued walking away I would have never been able to invest in a community! 

I want to reiterate the fact that God truly brings people into your life during different seasons. I struggle with this a lot. I used to really think it was a bad thing that people would come and go in my life. I thought it was a character flaw in me and that I wasn't trying hard enough to stay in contact with people. While sometimes that's the case, you do have to put in the effort to be intentional, that's not always how it goes. You will always meet people and sometimes they are long term and sometimes they are short term, either way you can trust that they are there for a reason. Don't ruin the season by trying to guess if they're here to stay or just temporary. Just enjoy the moments, life happens in moments. 

Come on Community! August 31, 2015.

August 31, 2015. 

I'm back in Seattle! This time Mom is back in Klamath and my Sister and Jess came with me to stay this week. I went to Klamath over the weekend for the walkathon. Oh. My. Gosh. What a HUGE blessing that was to me. The turnout was baffling and the support and encouragement you all offered me was incredibly humbling. Thank you to all who attended and made it possible! 

It's so interesting to me to see how trials can bring people together. I mean it breaks down walls, heals wounds, and it makes people realize that life is too short to be anything but joyful. The day spent at the walkathon was a day of joy. I looked around and saw kids playing, moms and daughters walking together, grandparents taking pictures, and the community doing what they can to help. It was one of those moments when I really saw family. I hope everyone gets the opportunity to see that kind of a community. It refueled and rejuvenated me to hear in person from you that this trial has impacted you! What an honor for me to be in this position, thank you. 

Pour into a community you guys. Don't let excuses keep you from doing so! Tonight Jess and I went to a community life group at a church nearby and initially I felt like maybe we shouldn't go because I'm only going to be here for 6 weeks. Life is one continuous transition period. We are always going to be changing, leaving, moving, staying, whatever the case may be. We went and we learned from the group and we were poured into. People will come and go in your life but God will use them or use you for them! I am so glad I didn't let time keep me from meeting some awesome people. It is incredible to see how God uses people and uses you for people! So I challenge you to pour into a community, no matter where you are or how long you are there. 

Greener Grass? August 28, 2015.

August 28, 2015.

We are currently in the car driving to Klamath! I'm so grateful that I am able to come home to be at the walkathon! Please pray for safe travels, it's always quite an exhausting trip. I am starting to feel and see the effects of radiation. Today was my 9th treatment so I have dry mouth and I'm starting to see my radiation burn. Other than that everything treatment wise is going great! 

I've been catching myself lately being discontent with things. Discontent with my hair, discontent with being in Seattle discontent with being single, it just becomes a funk that I get in sometimes when I catch myself constantly looking for the greener grass. Then I get online and see a world full of discontent people! Lip injections, a faster car, a younger wife, a better butt, better behaved kids. You long for a white picket fence then when you get it you need the new steel fence. 

Our world tells us to be discontent, "oh you need whiter teeth" "Actually you NEED a bigger phone." We are bombarded with these messages and it is nearly impossible to be content! I had to laugh while we were at the phone store as my Mom pulled out my IPod from Jr. High complete with the touch circle thing that I spent many hours spinning. She has always been content with that because it works. It meets her needs, it isn't broken, so she's content. Here I am, blessed beyond belief to even be alive, and I find myself being discontent. Here in the life that I almost lost, and I am discontent because of my hair color. 

Then I realized, in this world full of material things that promise us happiness, in a world that entices us to get the "next best thing" or the "greener grass" we are left with a bunch of discontent people. I mean look at that celebrity that has the looks, the hot husband, the dream job, and all the money they could ever need, and they commit suicide. 

So what then? You find contentment in the things you already have. Starting with the ultimate contentment in Jesus! I mean He doesn't change, we will always NEED Him, and He is already the best there is. He isn't selling you anything better, He isn't promising you happiness in the next best because He is already the best! What more could we ever want or need? Everything else, I mean EVERYTHING else is an extra bonus. 

Oops, Wasted. August 27, 2015.

August 27, 2015.

So I woke up yesterday all set to take myself up in my own challenge, yes I actually try to practice what I preach, and well it didn't exactly go as planned. (Read the previous post to understand what challenge in referring to). The morning started off well, I gulped down my slimy green juice without complaining, I enjoyed a conversation with my Mom and Sister, and went thrifting with Sis. All good things, and I did my absolute best to enjoy every moment. Then treatment came along and I even though it's not the one thing I imagined myself doing in my last day, I still tried to enjoy it and be grateful for it! So up to this point I felt pretty good about my challenge, then we decided to go to Sprint to get a phone set up...4 hours later...I failed at my challenge. And I didn't blog. Now you know why. But now we all have spiffy new phones and we got rid of our slider dinosaurs from Jr. High! What a huge blessing! I want to know how you all did? If you didn't accept the challenge guess what, if you wake up tomorrow the Lord gave you another day so no excuses! 

It made me realize, we can sit there and hope and dream and try to picture what our perfect day, our perfect life, our perfect plan would look like but how often does it actually happen that way!? I didn't plan for my pretend last day to be spent in the phone store. I didn't plan for 21 year old me to get cancer. So what then? Do we just say "Well that didn't work out so I may as well give up!" Or  "Well crap now that was wasted, one more day in the trash." I did this you guys! I sat at the phone store and said "What a waste." But do we really want to live life thinking that moments that don't go our way are just wasted? That would entail me believing that this entire cancer journey was a big waste. Or that you working at that minimum wage job after college is just a waste. Or you thinking that your teenage son who got arrested was just a waste. I don't ever remember the people in the bible saying, "Well God I ended up being chosen by the King that I hate to be married to, guess the rest of my life is just a waste! Does God ever throw us away? Does He say, For YOU know the plans the plans, no no no He says for I know the plans I have for you. God wastes nothing, not even the 4 hours you spend in a phone store. 

Love you all! In case you didn't get the memo Sis and I will be singing at the walkathon which means we'll be there! So please be there too so I can meet you! 

Your Last Day. August 25, 2015.

August 25, 2015

My cold/flu thing is finally going away! Mom claims it’s the juice, I don’t know about that I think maybe it’s the fact that I took a 2 hour bath while I watched Lord of the Rings, that seems like a cure. Radiation hasn’t made me sick yet!

Our neighbor here at the cancer house has Merkel Cell Cancer like me. Isn’t it cool that God did that? I mean of all the different cancers and people she is right next to us. Anyway last night she came home from nearly the end of her radiation and found out that the cancer has spread and she now has to come back for a clinical trial. It hit me hard; the realization that just because we are doing radiation doesn’t mean we will be done. I had a moment there where I had to think about the fact that I could get done with these 6 weeks of radiation only to find out that I have cancer somewhere else. She handled it really well and I am so proud of her but please keep her in your prayers. I’m going to choose to move forward in my treatment knowing that I have no control over what happens and being scared and worried won’t change what happens!

Rose mentioned something that I really relate to, she said she isn’t afraid of dying, she’s afraid of leaving her family behind. That’s been one of my biggest fears throughout this, what will it do to the ones I love if I died? The reality is, we never know when our time will come. Who will you leave behind? We may not be able to control when we leave this Earth, but we can control who we leave and what we leave behind.  If you were to leave today would your loved ones be okay? Would they know that you love them? I want to leave knowing that I left nothing unsaid, that I resolved things and didn’t leave anger or hate, I want to leave knowing that I made a difference and made an impact, I want to leave knowing that I glorified God, and as much as I hate the saying “Live like you’re dying” how radically does that change the way you spend your day to day life? Would you waste your time being angry, or waste time getting involved in petty drama? Would you spend your last days sleeping or sitting in front of the T.V.? Would you spend your time complaining or being depressed? Would you waste your time being afraid or insecure? What would you do on your last day? Who would you spend it with? What things would you say? What relationships would you fix? These things can be really revealing to you. It can reveal who is most important to you, what you might need to get rid of in your life, what you need to stop doing, etc.

Challenge yourself tomorrow, wake up and pretend that it really is your last day on Earth. See what happens! See what people you spend time with, what things you do, what things you say, and also pay attention to the people you DON'T see and the things you DON'T say, maybe those people and things shouldn't be a part of your life.  

Mom or Enemy? August 24, 2015.

August 24, 2015

Hello friends! I know it’s been a few days but I was sick Friday, Saturdays I have decided to take the day off since you all have fun things to do on Saturday nights, and Sunday I thought about devoting it to YouTube like instead of having a new blog you all go and watch the new YouTube video, how does that sound?

This weekend Sis came flew in which makes me very happy. Mom and I have done a really good job having all this together time though, we haven’t been fighting or annoyed with each other so I’m proud of us. We went to the EMP museum, I’m not sure what that stands for but basically it’s a giant music museum and it’s actually really cool. Then Sunday we tried out a rad new church called The Cross and Crown and their worship band is called “Ghost Ship” which is absolutely amazing so go check out their stuff!

This weekend I had a very strong conviction and it was not fun! Not that conviction usually is fun; in fact it usually weighs on your heart and makes you focus on the log in your own eye. Anyway I promised you all that I would be transparent so here it goes. I was convicted because Sunday morning while we were meeting new people I found myself making excuses for my Mom because my insecurity flared up when she was being her outgoing self. I found myself saying, “Oh don’t mind her she has no filter” and really focusing on how embarrassed I was that she was bragging about my blog and passing out the cards to everyone she came in contact with. As the day progressed I found myself grumbling as she handed me a juice to chug, or filled up another glass of water for me to drink, or bypassed eating out so we could eat healthy food at home. As my attitude toward her got worse and worse I started treating her like she was my enemy. Sunday the Lord GRIPPED my heart and said, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.” I had a radical perspective change my friends, also known as conviction. Since when did my Mom, my biggest fan, and my biggest supporter become my enemy? In what ways was she doing anything that was hurting me? I sat and pondered the things I was growing to resent and realized the giant log that was sitting in my eye. She shares my blog because she is proud of me and because she is my biggest supporter. She takes the time to make me juice because she cares about my body being in the best fighting condition. She makes me drink water and eat healthy because it’s good for me AND radiation is frying my good cells and my body needs everything it can get to replenish the cells that are dying. So I thought about what it would look like if she just stopped. If my grumbling and snide comments and bad attitude finally put her down enough for her to just say “You win, bye.” Wow, I could NEVER do this alone, I need her, I am grateful for her, and I have found a new appreciation for the sacrifice and hard work that she has put in not only during this time but my WHOLE life. So this message is for you kids, teens, adults, those of you who need an attitude check. Who is it and what is it that you are growing bitter toward? Your husband for not allowing you to spend all your money on shoes? Your wife for making you go on a run? Your Mom for making you go to bed early? Your Dad for not allowing you to date that one boy? Think about whether they are doing that because they love you or because they hate you. Then check your attitude next time your biggest fan wants to help you out. I’m sorry Mom for not appreciating the time and hard work you’ve put in to make sure I live a long and healthy life. I’m sorry for not realizing that you want what’s best for me and you’ve never once done anything to try and hurt me. I love you and I am going to do my best to have a better attitude and be more grateful for all you do! Now it is your turn, who do you need to thank and apologize to? Kids you all have grumbled about your parents, when they say “In 5 years you’ll understand and appreciate us.” THEY AREN’T LYING.

Missed you all! The second YouTube video is up so if you enjoyed it please like it and if you want to see more please subscribe! Also the walkathon is coming up on the 30^th at 1 p.m. and I am going to come for it! So please please come see me and let me thank you personally and please share your stories with me. Love you all! 

She-Wolverine. August 20, 2015.

August 20, 2015.

As most of you have heard by now, my stomach is cancer free! Praise God you guys I don't have Stage 4 cancer. The power of prayer is so evident and God is so faithful. I started my first day of radiation today at the Proton Center in Seattle. This is one of 25 treatments so let the countdown begin! It was fairly quick and easy, they snap this mesh alien mask on my face and I sit under a laser machine while it zaps all my cells. I kind of felt like a she-wolverine or an alien or an x-men or something, you know how they get experimented on and all of a sudden they turn into this super human, yeah maybe that will happen to me! 

I just wanted to point something out to you all, I am so extremely happy and relieved to know that the cancer hasn't spread in my body, that is a huge blessing! God is faithful and God is good. BUT what if I would have received different news? What if the cancer had spread? What if you were all praying for the cancer not to spread and for me to have Stage 3B and the results ended up being positive? Would the attributes of God change? Would He be less faithful and less good? Isn't it so easy to treat God like our own personal genie! When things go well we all sing His praises and jump for joy and thank Him for answered prayers, but when things go bad we stop praying, we resent and curse Him and we turn away. We prayed for healing, in His mercy He has made my stomach cancer-free. That's grace you guys, I didn't deserve this, I am not entitled to this, it is not my right, and if we would have had different results God would still be God, He would still hear our prayers and He would still have a perfect plan. That being said and keeping that in mind, I challenge you to check your heart while you pray. Whatever you are praying for, stop and ask, "If this prayer isn't answered in the way I want it to be, is God still good and will He still be in control?" Sometimes it goes the way we are hoping for, like the fact that my cancer has not spread! But sometimes it doesn't, that's okay too. 

Seattle is our new home! I feel so relieved to have a plan, I mean I still hold plans VERY loosely because I've learned my lesson but it feels good knowing that every time I put the alien mask on I am fighting for my life. This is the next step in kicking cancers butt and I can consider the green mask my armor. The first week I'm not supposed to have many side effects so that's good news. This radiation is called Proton Therapy, it's a different form of radiation that is more specialized and it is less damaging. The Doctor had to pull some serious strings to get me in this program because there is only one machine on the west coast, praise God!  

Also next weekend is the walk-a-thon! I don't know if you guys understand how amazing Lori and Nicole are, this is not simply a time of walking, there is going to be events and bouncing things and eating contests and cars and sheesh you name it! I am so excited to see the community come together on August 30th, not to support me (that's a bonus) but to be united during a trial and show the meaning of supporting one another. 

The Outsider. August 19, 2015.

August 19, 2015

Hello my beautiful friends and family! It’s been a few days, I’m totally aware so I apologize. But Mom and I have been busy here in Seattle! I am determined to change my perspective and find the aspect of Seattle that makes people adore the city. I think we are onto something! We explored downtown a little bit, we even took the trolley like true locals. Then we went and had dinner with the Sliker family. Such a nice, warm, and welcoming family and the food was so good! I’m still trying to recover a bit from that last surgery, the incision marks and inside my stomach feel kind of like one big bruise. It’s definitely not unbearable but it is something that bothers me a bit. Today we went to this adorable little park called Green Lake Park. Mom and I have a mutual love for people watching so we enjoyed that for a solid hour. We were looking for a church to go to on Sunday and Mom thought about a Wednesday night service. Well I found a college group that looked promising, so yeah I was that girl who brought her Mom to college group. Hey she has no shame and she actually liked it!

On that note, I’m back to community. From elementary to high school, to college, to churches, to camps, to Europe, to Spokane, the Lord has been faithful to provide me with a solid community everywhere I go. As I walked into the college group I had a little anxiety, I mean a new place, a new city, and you know you’re an outsider. One thing I feel like the Lord is always trying to remind me is that I’m actually not an outsider. That’s a label we put on ourselves. ESPECIALLY if you are joining a Christian community that has been united by the belief in the same God. We are brothers and sisters so I am trying to challenge my perspective and get involved. As I sat there listening to them talk to one another, watching them worship, watching them pray for each other, I got a sinking gut feeling that I recognized this community. I looked around and saw the Nickels from Klamath, and the twins from Texas, I saw the Fusion group from Germany, I saw Garett and Collin from Moody, I could go on and on. At first the realization brought me down, here I was feeling sad that those people from my old communities were no longer there, these people before me don’t know me and I’m not 100% myself. I started to pray that the Lord would help me trust in His faithfulness. Every new situation starts out uncomfortable. The Lord then gave me this notion, “What if this community isn’t here for me? Instead what if I’m here for this community?” Wow. This has rocked my perspective guys. It has moved the spotlight from me and my needs to them. How can I contribute? How can I serve? How can I help make this community tight knit and Christ centered? How can I be a resource of the Lord and use my gifts and talents, or even my current trial to help this community? And in that selflessness what can I learn from them? It’s not about my comfort, or insecurity because I may not be best friends. I am a Sister in Christ to them and wherever the Lord sends me I can go confidently knowing that His people will always be there. So after reading today's post my challenge to you is to check your perspective. Are you an outsider? Is that keeping you from seeking community, following Christ, volunteering, or making new friends? How does God see you? And do you need to work on not making others feel like an outsider? Just some food for thought, love ya! 

Quick update: There is no update! I was supposed to have the test results on Monday after surgery, it is now Wednesday and I have nothing. So the Stage 4 vs. Stage 3B feud continues on and I will let you know when I know! 

Super Glue. August 17, 2015.

August 17, 2015

Okay folks so I am in Seattle again! Boy let me tell ya, that was NOT an easy trip. Yesterday we left at 9 a.m. and we didn’t get here to the Collegiana until 9:30 p.m. We had bumper to bumper traffic nearly the entire time. As some of you know I have road rage and traffic tries my patience more than almost anything so it was a great opportunity to practice reminding myself that I cannot change the situation by getting mad, and I’m not going to get there faster by being impatient. Anyway we finally got into Seattle and we had to get the key to our room from the Washington Tower. We got lost because there was construction, of course because it’s Washington and they don’t have summer, they have construction. So we pulled into a parking lot and my Mother hops out of the car with her map and NO PHONE and just waltzes down the alley alone! I was left sitting in the car replaying every Law and Order scenario in my head. “What if a hobo finds her and hurts her?” “What if a group of drunk guys tries to mess with her?”  Every creepy creep that walked in her direction made my anxiety sky rocket. Just as I am beginning to speak truth to myself and get out of that terrible mindset, this man, about 26 years old, clearly high, walks up to the car and tries to get in! WHILE I AM SITTING THERE. Oh my gosh my heart started racing and I slammed my hand onto the horn. He jolted out of his zombie high and I yelled at him to leave. He ran off and left me there wanting to cry! It was so scary to me you guys! Talk about a way to welcome us into our potential new neighborhood! Of course Mom came back fine and got quite a kick out of my little story.

So I woke up bright and early at 5 a.m. and got prepped for surgery. This one was an easy hour long surgery and I was able to leave around 11 a.m. to head back to the Collegiana. Unfortunately we did not get the answers we were seeking so prayers that the results will come in tomorrow would be much appreciated! I just have 3 incision marks and my pain is mild compared to my other surgery. And get this, they super glued me shut! I almost feel like a college bro that cut his foot and couldn't afford band-aids so he just dabbed some glue on it. It's kind of funny to me. Dr. P was able to get a good sample using the laparoscopic technique so that was a blessing!

The Collegiana is a cancer house here in Seattle right near the UW medical center. I was kind of nervous because I had no idea what to expect, I mean it’s kind of like a dorm style building and it’s offered at a cheaper rate. I am actually pleasantly surprised! The room is nearly the size of my apartment in Spokane with 3 beds, a little sitting area, and a good sized bathroom. We are right next to the shared kitchen and we are on the top floor so we don’t have any noise from any upper floors. Then we had the opportunity to meet our neighbors, a woman named Rose and her daughter. They are from Kansas and guess what, Rose has Merkel Cell Cancer! Now while this is not an exciting thing, I mean I wouldn’t wish that on anybody, but of all the cancers for my neighbor to have the Lord blessed me by giving me Rose! It was so cool to be able to meet someone in person who is going through the exact same thing as me. To be able to relate to how she is feeling and having her do the same, it was just refreshing. She has a very positive outlook on the situation but please add her to your prayer list!

I’m still on drugs so I’m not going to try to say anything more than a factual update, but I’m recovering well and I appreciate all the prayers! Oh and as some of you saw, we released our first YouTube video yesterday! The channel is called "themerkelmiracle" if you want to look it up. I will also add a tab to the blog with a link so just look at the top. I am so excited to allow you to see my journey on a virtual level and I hope you all enjoy the channel. We created it as another way for you all to follow my journey but we are also praying that it can provide another form of financial aid for my medical bills. The more subscribers, views, and likes to the channel the more opportunities we have to raise money, yet another blessing! Thank you all and love you all.  

  

5 Second Challenge. August 14, 2015.

August 14, 2015

I went to the chiropractor again today, he said that he can feel the weight of all the stress in my muscles. That’s so strange to me, the connection between mind and body. I would have never thought that my stress would actually affect the muscles in my body, now that I think about it I understand what being tense means. But I got to sleep today so that was pleasant and things are coming into perspective again. Like I’ve said, take your moment to be human but don’t let that be a constant mindset, get up, dust off, and fight.

I have SUPER exciting news! I’ve mentioned it on Facebook but I’d like to elaborate. Someone mentioned to my Mom who mentioned to me that I should start a YouTube channel. The idea seemed awesome but daunting at the same time, how the heck was I going to handle making videos on top of everything else!? Then during my last Seattle trip my sister brought up the idea and expressed interest in making the videos! So together we have started a YouTube channel and boy you guys, it’s STELLAR. I can only say that because my sister is extremely talented and the first video was so perfect that it made me cry. I can’t wait to share it with you all so stay tuned and expect it on SUNDAY!

I am currently sitting in my spacious living room, the sunlight peeking through the curtains, my Mom and Sister cuddled up in their rocking chairs, my Pops eating apple pie next to me, and “The Scent of a Woman” playing on the big screen. I wanted to take a moment to cherish this scene. You know I decided that I need to relish the moments that I take for granted, and I need to take a moment to notice sweet scenes like a family movie. This is peace, this is how I find rest. I used to think that peace and rest only came in the form of sleeping, sitting, reading, or anything quiet and serene. I’m understanding more now that peace can really be found in any situation if you take the time to find it. I want to challenge you and myself to take five seconds in each situation to look around and cherish the moment. Whether it be a family movie, or your morning cup of coffee, maybe it’s your work meeting, or a long doctor’s appointment, even that moment when your twin boys are fighting and screaming. I think that if I can take 5 seconds to be grateful and find peace in these moments then I think I can relieve a lot of the stress and tension in my life! Let me take one more look at this moment. I have peace knowing that the people on my left and right are my family, my best friends, my biggest fans, my supporters, and my team. I have peace in knowing that we all have a moment to watch a movie and sit in the calm. I have peace knowing that we have this wonderful house that I have spent many days and have had many memories in. I could go on and on but I challenged us to 5 seconds. But wow, I already appreciate this time and I already have a rest that I have been seeking. Perspective my friends. All about perspective. Take 5 seconds right now to find peace in the moment! 

I head to Seattle on Sunday, Monday at 5:30 a.m. I go in for surgery so prayers for safe travels and wisdom for the doctor's would be much appreciated! Love you all!

Tunnel Vision. August 13, 2015.

August 13, 2015

I spent a good 2 hours crying today and a good 2 hours in the dentist. No they did not occur at the same time. First let me back track to my last day in Seattle. I had an appointment with my medical militia, is that the right term? I don’t know army terms but I like to think of them as the leaders of my battle against the cancer monster, it’s a stronger image than team. Anyway they felt that it was really important to explore the nodes in my stomach so I go back to Seattle on Monday to get a more invasive biopsy surgery done. This one is more complicated because you know when you let that cute little kid help you bake and all they ever want to do is crack the eggs and eat the batter but when you let them crack the eggs they get a shell in the yolk and every time you think you’ve grabbed the shell it moves? Well that’s how the lymph nodes in my stomach are so they actually have to put me to sleep and cut me open so they can grab one. SO AFTER this surgery they should have answers as to whether I have Stage 4 cancer or Stage 3B. If I have Stage 3B I will start radiation on Wednesday in Seattle, if I have Stage 4 I will wait to discuss the different clinical trials that are opening soon. So fast forward from the end of my CT scan on Tuesday, 8 hours later and we roll into my drive way in Klamath Falls at 4 a.m. in one piece thank the Lord. At 8 a.m. the next morning I had a dentist appointment, then an hour break, then another dentist appointment, then an hour break, then a chiropractor appointment then the day was done. Today I woke up and had another dentist appointment and I came home, spilled water, dropped my phone, then went into my bedroom, sat down, and cried.

This is the part where I guttural cry for 2 hours. You know how people say there is a light at the end of the tunnel? It feels as if I am digging my way through the tunnel and one day I see a tiny speck of light and the next day I get dirt in my eyes and the light is gone. I feel like I have no map and I am wandering aimlessly through, just hoping that I’m going the right way. Normally when you get through a huge clump of dirt you see the light, it may be far away but at least you see it and you can move towards it. I don’t feel that way. Normally when you have a major surgery you plan for it, you get it done, you recover, then you say congratulations and thank God you got through it and it becomes a thing of the past. When I get through a huge clump of dirt there is just another one proceeding it. When I get done with labs, scans, biopsies, and surgeries I don’t have that feeling of relief like now I can move on with my life. After surgery comes the next lab or biopsy or scan or treatment. This is my life now. It will never be the same. I remember when I went to college group the guy doing announcements said, “What are you doing with life? School? Work?” The only response I could think of was, “I’m fighting Cancer.”

Now don’t worry I’m not going to leave you there feeling sad for the crying cancer girl stuck in a tunnel, I’m not defeated, I’m human. 2 hours passed by while I sat in the dirt, not digging, not moving toward the light, just sitting. In these moments I can really understand why people give up, why they say screw it and let Cancer win. It’s exhausting, it’s stressful, it’s hard, and it can feel hopeless. My Mom mentioned something to me earlier, she said, “It’s kind of like people in the military, they get comfortable with where they are at and then all of a sudden they are sent to a new place. Or someone who is paralyzed in a car wreck, they are driving their car like normal and all of a sudden they can’t walk. Even a teenager who moves out for the first time, they are living with their parent’s and then all of a sudden they have bills to pay.” 

The point being we go through life changes all the time. Just because this is one that isn’t always fun or easy, this isn’t the first time my life has been changed. When I learned to talk, when I got saved, when I learned how to do my hair, when I moved out, when I had my first boyfriend, you name it, our lives change every day. My life will never be the same. It just won’t. There is nothing I can do to change that or take that back. But even if I didn’t have cancer, something else would happen that would change my life forever, you know why? God didn’t call us to live in comfort or to have our lives stay the same forever, we wouldn’t change. It’s about perspective, I’m human and I get sad and I feel hopeless, and I feel defeated sometimes. I’m learning how to live a life with Cancer now, not to live a life of Cancer. If that makes sense. I take my moment to sit in the dirt, then I pick up my shovel with God as my guide and I keep digging.  

The Dying Girl. August 10, 2015.

August 10, 2015

We just got back from a 4 dollar movie. Why can’t more movies be 4 dollars? It’s just a perfect price because it’s not enough to be upset over if the movie sucks. Anyway the movie was called, “Me and Earl and the Dying Girl”. I was really happy that Sis suggested that we go and watch it because she didn’t hesitate or get weird about the fact that it was about a girl (SPOILER ALERT), who dies of cancer. It made me feel like a normal person, she didn’t give it a second thought when she asked if I wanted to go see it. The movie was good, kind of your typical off-beat indie film, but it was funny and interesting and it felt like real life. There were problems, ugly people, normal families, it was just refreshing to watch something that was real life. Of course it ends up being a sad story about cancer, I get it. They have to draw you in and make you emotionally attached and then end with a dramatic, heart-wrenching finale. I got nervous for a while, nervous about seeing a girl my age fight the same fight, nervous about seeing her lose, nervous about seeing myself in her as she had her ups and downs, nervous about watching a girl I relate to die. I wasn’t sure how I’d react. But honestly, I didn’t look at the weak, sad girl and say, “that’s me”. Instead I looked at her and said, “Never let yourself go there”. I watched as she went from a normal, joyful girl, and as she slowly let the Cancer Monster devour her. I watched as she became depressed, sad, and eventually gave up. I watched her die.  I’ve had days where I caught a glimpse of that girl, the dying girl. When you look you may not see a huge difference, she’s a young girl and she has cancer, I am a young girl and I have cancer. 

Why isn’t my story a sad story? Sure I’m not dead but that doesn’t mean I might not die. But even if I did mine wouldn’t be a sad story about a girl with cancer who gave up. Why? Because the difference is I have HOPE. I have a hope because Christ has given me hope. I will never give up no matter how dark and weary the days get, no matter how weak or ugly I feel because He gives me strength! I have God on my side and He is bigger and better than any Cancer Monster I will face. So I left not feeling discouraged by seeing a young girl with cancer die, I left feeling sad that she didn’t have the hope that I have, because even if my body dies here on Earth I have a hope that I will live eternally. This is not a sad story. 

Conflict Continued. August 9, 2015.

August 9, 2015

Thank you all for the support yesterday! Today was a much better day. I hit the road at 4am this morning and made it to Seattle with no traffic, no gps, and no bathroom breaks in 4 hours! Sis and I took some time to sleep before we went to the “hipster” side of Seattle and ate at Linda’s Tavern. Apparently it was the last place Kurt Cobain from Nirvana, was seen alive. Then we found our way to Bill and Syd Sliker’s where they have graciously allowed us to stay for the duration of our visit. Once again I have to proclaim, “There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning!”

To continue the blog post about conflict…

Number 5. Access the invincible power of Christ. How many times is your first instinct to pray in the heat of conflict? How many times are you firing up your weapon and decide to take a few seconds to ask the Lord for help? I wonder how that would change the conflict. I mean I really think we take for granted how amazing prayer is. That our God would give us the freedom to at any time talk to Him, excuse me what! So cool!

Now the pastor continued on preaching a really awesome sermon but there were a few more things that really jumped out to me. The first being, “Remember that Christ was fully human and he experienced the deepest insults and injustice.” He didn’t have to do that. He’s God, He could have just poofed into oblivion and then expected us to deal with the hardships on Earth. He was KILLED, He was TORTURED, and He was INNOCENT. And you know what He said, “Forgive them Father for they know not what they have done.” Forgive them He prayed as the crown of thorns pierced His skull and as His hands throbbed at the sharpness of the nails. I don’t even want to say that when my Sister and I are arguing over who should drive! Wow, talk about a humbling example and one that would make any person think twice about their anger in a fight.

The second being, “All of the injustices are a loving gift of God’s hand to transform you to the image of Christ, not an accident and not to change the situation so you can be happy.”  Oh, wait, it’s not about us? It’s not about what we want, what we think is best, or about what makes us happy? Huh shocker! Considering that absolutely goes against our human nature and our society! But wow, talk about a perspective change, the injustices against you are to transform you into the image of Christ. He gives us the opportunity to act in love and become more Christ-like during conflict. No it’s not easy, but these things take time and hard work.

The last being, “Difficult people and circumstances are God’s reminder that they can’t satisfy your soul.”  Imagine a world where no one let you down, where your circumstances were perfect and there was no disappointment or conflict. You just cruised through life easy and comfortable. Your soul would be satisfied and why would you need God? You’d do perfectly fine on your own so why ask for help, or cry out in frustration, or step out of your comfort zone, or lean on Him in faith, or worship Him, or look to the Bible for answers, or pray? We would be perfect robots. God uses these things in our lives, I’m not saying He sends these things to us, but He uses these things as a reminder that only He can satisfy. 

Hopefully I get some info tomorrow about what tests I will be getting here in Seattle, love ya!

Weary. August 8, 2015.

August 8, 2015

Today I am weary. I am stressed. I am tired. I am discouraged. I woke up in a bed that’s not mine, in a house that’s not mine, in a town that no longer feels like mine. Yet again I have to go to Seattle tomorrow and I just cried. I actually bawled. I cried out of longing to rest, longing to have answers, longing to stay in one place, and a longing for family. I’ve been going nonstop since I’ve been diagnosed and I feel like today it really got to me. I went from Santa Cruz to Stanford to Klamath to Stanford to Santa Cruz to Seattle to Spokane to Seattle to Spokane and now to Seattle again. I think I am craving stability, answers, and familiarity. I don’t exactly know, I just feel exhausted. I took today to be by myself and I just prayed that the Lord would help me change my attitude and give me a supernatural energy to continue on. One more week, I am praying just one more week and then I will actually have answers and start treatment. Thank you all for being supportive during this. I know that this is necessary to fight for my life and I don’t want to let the weariness get me down. Please pray that I can keep a positive attitude. Also if you have any advice on how to make my trips to Seattle more enjoyable please tell me! I have seen and done everything downtown and I would love to see the more laid back, less touristy part of Seattle.

That being said I am leaving in the early a.m. and I am driving my Sisters car to Seattle where I will meet up with her. I have a meeting with the specialists on Tuesday and we will discuss the stomach biopsy.

I will finish the blog about conflict I promise! I’m just stressed today and needing to take some me time, I’m sure you all understand!

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Matthew 11:28-29

Conflict Bomb. August 7, 2015.

August 7, 2015

So I decided to write the blog after I heard back from the doctor’s hence the reason I didn’t post this morning! So the node in my groin came back negative! While this is obviously great news it still doesn’t mean I am negative or Stage 4, there are still stomach nodes in question. But God is good and I am trying to see the good amazing news that my groin is Cancer free! Praise God! 

Yesterday was a great day. I spent the day with two of my great friends Minnie and Molly and then we went to college group. At college group the Pastor talked about conflict and tips to resolve it. It was super interesting and convicting to me so I wanted to do my best to summarize his sermon in my words so you all can learn a thing or too as well! As he was speaking I sat there and tried to think honesty if there was any unresolved conflict that I had with anyone, I encourage you to do the same as you read on! If you’re feeling good about your relationships then take these steps to heart so you may be prepared or the times when conflict comes. Because it will, we’re human and flawed!

 Number 1. Assume the worst about your own heart. Now this is not something you hear every day in today’s society! In fact society tells us that we are the best, most beautiful, always right, and most amazing people on the planet. Why do you think it’s so hard in conflict? We want to be right, we want our pound of flesh, we want justice and no one wants to admit that they’re wrong. It feels better to make the other person pay and it feels better to feel like we “win”. But how radically different would it be if we remembered that we are the biggest sinner in the room? How humbling would it be if we assumed the worst of our own heart and motives? I think you would be quick to pipe down in an argument when you turn your eyes to your own heart. That girl has been gossiping about you? How many people have you gossiped about this week? Your husband lied to you? How many times have you lied in that day? The point being none of us are perfect and when you remind yourself of that you can allow other some more grace.

Number 2. Act on wisdom not emotion. This one is hard, especially for me! We humans thrive on emotion, why do you think drama T.V. is so addicting? How many times do we react and get defensive right away? I can tell you there are a handful of times out of hundreds of times where I’ve actually taken the time to think rationally before I react in a conflict. Anger, sadness, all the emotions that fuel the fire within are so easily misguiding and they can make you have some serious regrets so let’s try acting out of wisdom instead of emotion.

Number 3. Avoid the plague of slander and gossip. Why is this SO HARD!? Seriously I remember back in Jr. High when I decided to give up gossiping, I didn’t even last a week. I felt like I had nothing to talk about and that was extremely revealing to me. But how many times have we seen the poison of gossip and slander? Do you guys remember that veggie tales movie called the “Rumor Weed”? That big ugly weed that grows and eventually take over the city. It’s so true though! Think about school, your work, camp, your church, think about how much conflict could have been avoided had we all decided to stop gossip?

Number 4. Apply gentle words in the moment. How about this one to detonate the atomic bomb of conflict! Imagine yourself arguing with the one person you pictured in your mind, imagine them heating up in anger and you just whip out, “You know what, you are such a generous person and I’m very grateful for you.” Imagine their reaction to that!

TO be continued… Love ya!

Needles. August 5, 2015.

August 5, 2015

Hey friends! So I’m back in Spokane and as much as I’d like to say I’m here for a good chunk of time the reality is I have no clue. Seattle was a good trip even though I had 7 needles in me during the duration of this visit. The needle biopsy actually went better than the one in my neck. This one was in my groin, which makes me feel slightly awkward but whatever it had to be done. It was pretty gnarly because I was watching the needle move around and then jab the lymph node on the ultrasound. It was uncomfortable at best but thankfully not painful. There was this weird thing where they twisted the needle into the lymph node like a corkscrew then clicked a trigger and it clipped a chunk of tissue, that part was real funky. Anyway so basically they will run tests on the tissue and if it’s positive for cancer then I have Stage 4 and if it’s negative then they will probably have me come back in to do a more invasive procedure looking at the lymph nodes in my stomach. Please pray that the results come in soon so I can know whether I can finally come back to Klamath or not!

I’m absolutely exhausted from this last Seattle trip, while it was good to get to know Micaiah and her Grandma better I am glad to get a chance to rest! I am so thankful for their company and that I didn’t have to go alone.

It’s been really cool to see who God brings into my life when I’m bold about my faith. It’s still hard sometimes, insecurity creeps in and I hesitate mentioning God to strangers. But lately I’ve really been challenging myself, even if I may hesitate right away I stop and tell myself, “What’s more important, you feeling comfortable for 1 second or furthering God’s kingdom?” Ouch. So the last two times I’ve given up my initial comfort God has allowed some really cool people into my life! One woman was working at the Macy’s in Seattle and as she was helping me pick out my perfect foundation we started chatting. Anyway she ended up being a really awesome Christian woman with a beautiful heart and I would have never had the privilege of seeing that had I been insecure about sharing my faith! Another example was today when I was getting my hair done, which by the way was an extremely fun and impulsive decision made by Caiah and I, I started talking about my “cancer story” and for a moment I hesitated talking about God but then once again I had to remind myself that God is the POINT and biggest and best part of the story! So my hairdresser also turned out to be a Christian and she had also dealt with cancer when she was 7 years old. God performed a miracle by saving her life and what an awesome experience to be able to celebrate that with her! God is so awesome and even though I write a blog that thousands of you see I am still working on my insecurities! God is faithful to present opportunities for you to practice, if you are struggling in an area ask God to challenge you.

I want to start a non-profit! The details and story will come later but for now if you have any resources, tips, advice, or ideas please let me know! I have no idea really where to start so I could use all the help I can get, love you all!  

Enemies. August 3, 2015.

August 3, 2015

I’m in Seattle….AGAIN. Someone should really help me out because I know that so many people love this city so clearly I’m missing something! I came here with a good friend of mine Micaiah and her awesome Grandma. What a blessing it has been to have them by my side! They are both very selfless, generous people and I am challenged by their caring examples.

My appointments didn’t go nearly as long this time thank the Lord! I had to do more labs this morning and then I started a radiation plan. The plan consisted of a CT scan, which of course, once again, I fell asleep! This one was a little more involved because they had to make a cast for my head to rest in, they had to stretch out my arms so my shoulders would stay flat, and then they made this funky custom mesh mask that squished my eyelashes and matted my hair. For those of you who have been praying that I would get a biopsy tomorrow, THANK YOU, they scheduled me for 2:30. Basically, an update, they started a radiation plan but there are still nodes in my stomach that are abnormal and I found out today that there is a spot in my groin that also showed up. They are doing another fine needle biopsy to my dismay but that will determine whether the Cancer has spread or not. If it has spread I will be doing a clinical trial for treatment, if it hasn’t then I will be doing radiation. I am at peace either way, God has been so good and He will continue to be faithful!

I am continuously blown away by all the posts on the Defeat Cancer Walkathon (go like them on Facebook for all the amazing updates!) everyone from individuals to businesses have come together to help my family and I. There was a post recently talking about how the staff at the Mazatlan Grill gathered up their tips and filled an entire jar for me, and then it was stolen. When I first read this I was outraged at the injustice of it all. I was hurt and I was ticked off that someone would look at my picture as they empty the jar onto their bed. I was thinking to myself “Justice will be served!” as I secretly wished Karma was real and would make them pay. Then I stopped. First of all, that money doesn’t belong to me. It belongs to God and it is a privilege that I have people who care enough to help me, it's not my right. Secondly I had to remind myself that God has been beyond faithful in providing for me. Maybe the person who took that money has two little kids currently starving? Maybe they are homeless and haven’t had an actual meal in months? Or you know maybe they have a drug addiction and in that moment they saw an opportunity and took it. None of these reasons make it right, sinning is sinning and stealing is wrong. But it does me NO good to be bitter, angry, and condemn them to hell in my mind because now I am sinning and that’s not what we are called to do. So as hard as it is, I am going to pray for them and love them in my heart. I encourage you to think about someone in your life that you’ve resented, hated, been bitter towards, or angry at because you felt that they wronged you, and stop. Stop and pray for them, stop and forgive them, stop and love them.

43“You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ 44“But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46“For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47“If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48“Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Matthew 5:43-48