July 5, 2015
“Be a warrior not a
worrier.” I saw this while scrolling through my Pinterest today. I used to be
the type who worried about things so much that I’d lose sleep. I can remember
all the way back to 2nd grade when I forged my Mom’s signature on a reading
slip and I didn’t sleep the entire night because I was so afraid to talk to the
teacher. When I went in the next day the teacher was totally chill about the
whole thing. It’s funny to think back
over the years, have you noticed that worrying doesn’t change the outcome of
the situation at all? Losing sleep over something doesn’t make it all of the
sudden any better or easier! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve worried about
things and got all worked up and it ended up being okay. Worrying isn’t
trusting that God is sovereign and works all things together for our good. So
choose trust, it will be a much easier route. I am so glad that the Lord gave us the truth
of scripture to silence our worries.
“Do
not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which
transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ
Jesus.”
Philippians
4:6-7
I don’t want any of you
to worry about me or anything else. I know it’s so hard but I’m choosing not to
worry and I want you to do the same! Practice in the little things, like a
reading slip, take your worries to Christ. Memorize this verse and let it help
you in those tough times.
I went to church today
with Mom and Dad, the church here is really awesome. There were these three
guys that sat on the end of our aisle that looked like they weren’t in their
right mind. I don’t know what the heck got into me but I started to get serious
anxiety that they were going to shoot up the place. Now I know that’s a
terrible thing to think and super judgmental but I got so worked up about it
that I even got my cell out and had the dialer ready to dial 9-1-1. It made me
think, I have a lot of peace and as morbid as it may sound I have accepted the
fact that Cancer might kill me. So why in that moment was I scared out of my
mind thinking that they might shoot me? I’m sorry this is such a dark subject
it just really bothered me today! I just started praying. Praying that God
would replace my fear with truth. I repeated Philippians 4:6-7 and slowly but
surely God gave me peace again. I put my phone in my bag and I started praying
for the men sitting at the end of the row. I spent the rest of the service in
worship and thanking God for His word. You guys, it’s real and it is powerful! Let’s
choose to be warriors not worriers.
I haven’t felt 100%
today. I slept so much that on a scale of human to fat cat I definitely was up
there with the cat. It’s so strange, I know I have Cancer but I don’t feel
sick. I mean I had Cancer for 3 months before I was diagnosed and I didn’t even
notice. I always thought Cancer was like the girl in “The Fault in Our Stars”
(and some are!), you know how she has an oxygen tank and is frail and weak. But mine is more visible than anything (so
far). I mean I look in the mirror and see the tumor in my neck and the scar on
my face. And I feel tired. But other than that I am so blessed to say that I’m
doing pretty dang good! I know the fight is coming, surgery, radiation, and
whatever the future holds. That’s why I am trying to prepare myself for battle.
Today I mourned though. No guttural cries or weeping. Just a silent mourning.
The strange thing is that I didn’t mourn for myself. I didn’t think “Why me?”
or “This isn’t fair” I didn’t even think “Cancer sucks” (even though it does) I
just mourned for my past. I started the reel of memories in my mind pre-Cancer
diagnosis. I mourned for the life I had. I mourned for the life that is
changing right in front of my eyes. I mourned for the lives of my family and
friends, they will never be the same. I know that a lot of the changes are
good, I mean my life has changed so much. The support from you all, my
relationship with Christ is closer than ever, that is the most important thing.
I love seeing this push people to the cross, please continue blessing me by
your stories and encouragements too. I think more than anything I sometimes try
to fill the unknown with my own thoughts of how the future will be with Cancer.
The truth is, I have no idea what the Lord will choose to do and this is a form
of worry and I just told you guys not to worry!
I know I am going to hit
bumps in the road. I saw a diagram today on Facebook showing how people deal
with grief. I had to laugh as I went through this at how different my diagram
has looked!
Shock: Yes I mean who
expects that they’re going to have Cancer!?
Numbness: the only
numbness I felt was the numbness I felt in my face after surgery
Denial: well there was no way to deny that the
lumps on my body weren’t normal
Emotional outbursts: okay yeah I definitely
consider my guttural cries as so
Anger: I was only angry
that they didn’t put me out before cutting my face open!
Fear: yeah definitely and
lots of it until I replaced it with the truth of Christ.
Searchings: for what? I
have Christ I have no searching to do!
Disorganization: Please,
why do you think I have a nurse navigator!?
Panic: Nope, I’ve learned
from past panic attacks that I don’t want to spend 3 hours in the hospital on
oxygen.
Guilt: Why? Like I said
before, trials are not a punishment people!
Loneliness: With the
amazing support group and love I’ve received I could never imagine being
lonely.
Isolation: My Mom is
always by my side forcing nutrition in me, even when I don’t want her to be, I’ve
never felt isolated (love ya Mom)
Depression: I refuse to
go down this path, that’s a lonely, dark spiral down.
“Re-Entry” Troubles: Huh?
They have to “Re-Enter” my face, does that count?
New Relationships: Amen!
So many people have reached out to me, not to mention having Cancer opens up
the entire Cancer community to me. New friends going through similar struggles.
New Strengths: Of course,
God makes me stronger every day. I am learning to be a fighter, a warrior not a
worrier, a health freak, an encourager, and a lover of things I used to take
for granted!
New Patterns: I drink
nasty smoothies and juices every day.
Hope: In Christ, so much
you guys. Without Him I’d be absolutely hopeless!
Affirmation: I’ve
received an abundance from you all and I hope to give an abundance through my
life and this blog!
Helping Others: I sure
hope so! Others have helped me more than I could ever have imagined throughout
all of this.
No comments:
Post a Comment