Wonderful Wonder. July 26, 2015.

July 26, 2015

I had a rough day yesterday. It was the last day of camp and the first time that the reality of the summer ending hit me. Fear crept through my thoughts as I started to worry, “How will I handle Cancer outside of camp?” If you think about it, I’ve only known how to deal with Cancer while being here at camp. Surrounded by the majestic forest, in a tight knit community of believers who love me and care about me, kids around having the most joyful time of their lives, having enough sleep and enough food. What happens when I am surrounded by buildings and the pollution of the city, or when I am in a place where no one knows or cares about me, or how will it be when I no longer hear the joyous songs of kids and receive their love in hugs, or when I have the stress of a job and don’t get enough sleep? These fears began to cripple me. They surprised me and hurt me all at once. Once the negative entered my mind it poisoned everything in my day. My cousin from out of town came over and all of us girls got pedicures and instead of looking around at the lovely faces that I call my sisters, I looked around, heard them talking about their lives and future plans and all I could think was, “Will I be there to see her get married?” “Will I ever be able to have a reunion with them like this again?” I let the thoughts ruin my time instead of celebrating the reunion and joy I have when I am with them. We then went to downtown Santa Cruz to walk around. As I was sitting there I watched as couple after couple walked by, hand in hand with love in their eyes. I became angry at their happiness. “Will I ever fall in love?” “Will I get to be married?” The pressure of time started to weigh on me, the thought that I have less time than every other human on Earth. I was sad. It’s sad to me to think about the day I wasted being anxious and letting the bitterness win. It’s sad to me to think about all the people out there who live everyday like the day I had yesterday. They just exist. They are mad at life, angry with God, bitter toward people, and sad. My heart breaks for those who have no hope, who find no joy in the hard times. If every day of my Cancer walk looked like yesterday, I wouldn’t even fight.

Today is a new day! God blessed me with another day and He helped me out of the rut I got myself into. I have hope. There may be pain in the night but JOY comes in the morning. How true that is for me today you guys. I woke up, thankful for the time the Lord gave me at this beautiful camp. I spent the day with people that I love and I savored the moments we got to share. The pastor at church talked about wonder today and how sad life would be without it. He said to renew your sense of wonder is to do 3 things. 1.  Remember God’s wonders: I sat there and replayed in my mind all Gods wonders from the creation of a single and complex cell to the beauty of the worship team singing. 2. Celebrate God’s wonders: I felt joy creep in as I started to praise God for the wonder of life itself. For the beautiful things Cancer has brought into my life. I even began to celebrate Cancer itself. 3. Request God’s wonders: I asked God to continue to reveal His wonders to me. So that I may not just merely exist as a body sick with Cancer, but as a joyous soul living for Christ. My sense of wonder was rejuvenated and all that came with it was joy and peace. The sadness and worry from yesterday dissipated and Satan did not win. 

“May we never lose our wonder

May we never lose our wonder

Wide eyed and mystified

May we be just like a child

Staring at the beauty of our King.”

I pray that you do not merely exist day by day in your life. Do not waste what short time you have sitting in bitterness, fear, or sadness. Ask God to restore your wonder, live a joyous and peaceful life despite your circumstances. Think of the wonder it is that you are even blinking, breathing, and thinking. The wonder that you can wiggle your toes, move your fingers, hum a tune, pump blood through your veins, breath, think, look around, smell, and read this blog all at the same time because your brain is that complex of a creation. “May we NEVER lose our wonder” Because what a sad existence we would have.