Finding Beauty. July 19, 2015.

July 19, 2015

I went to church today, I really just needed to get dressed up and feel like a normal, functioning human. We sang this song that I’ve sung a million times and any church goer, or anyone who listens to the Christian radio station has probably heard a bunch and even sings along. It’s called, “Hosanna in the Highest” and it’s just a classic. Well for the first time ever a specific lyric stuck out to me, “Break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your kingdoms cause.” I started weeping. How many times have I sung those very lyrics? Did I even understand what that means? Now I do. Everything I am for your kingdoms cause, it doesn’t say everything I want you to have. It doesn’t say everything that I’m willing to part with right now, or everything that I think you should have. It cries EVERYTHING I HAVE for your kingdoms cause. It’s completely selfless, it’s completely following the example Jesus gave us when He gave His very life for the kingdoms cause. I have Cancer. I have no idea what my future looks like, and for the first time I really understood what it means to give everything I have for the kingdoms cause. How humbling and beautiful that is.

I had a few moments of insecurity today about my scars, stitches, droopy mouth, slanted eye, and giant drain. I went to church where I actually felt really good, confident, like I wanted people to see that I’m choosing not to stay secluded in my room because of this. Then I went to Trader Joe’s and that’s when I got the stares I expected. Little kids, eyes wide, adults, some with eyes of judgment, some with eyes of “Wow badass”, some with eyes of confusion. It doesn’t matter what they were thinking because their eyes were glued to me. I tried to remind myself that it’s not always a bad thing when people stare, I tried remind myself that these are my battle scars and I know my story, they don’t. But it was hard. It was hard feeling like I was an attraction at the zoo. I got overwhelmed and ended up leaving, feeling slightly defeated. I sat in the car and prayed that the Lord would remind me that inner beauty is a treasure, and I prayed that He’d show me the beauty in my scars, the beauty of conquering this battle and that is something to be proud of.

Like always the Lord answered my prayer. My cousin JB, and friends Clare and Anna came over and wanted to do a photoshoot of me. Now those of you who know me well know that I am the photographer and it is a real struggle for me to be the model! Insecurity creeps in when you have all the attention on you and it has been a huge struggle in my life. Slowly I have eased into feeling more comfortable in front of the camera but after the day I had when I was feeling self-conscious I was thinking that this might be a bad idea. Then the Lord reminded me that faith grows outside of your comfort zone and He wants you to be excited to overcome your fears. I also was reminded that because I was unashamed to post a picture of my scars that Brittney was inspired to wear capris for the first time, bearing her scars. So I agreed to the photoshoot, I agreed to find beauty and confidence in the marks on my face.

What a stunning experience. Not only were the girls so amazing in their encouragement with an “Ow ow! Lookin’ Good” here and there, but during that moment I realized, everyone is staring at me, just like at the store, but they are staring out of admiration and respect. They know the struggles behind these marks, it made me convicted. Anytime I see someone now who might have something wrong with their body, or might be marred by scars, I am going to think about their story and find a way to respect them, not judge them. I felt more beautiful than I ever have in my life. Not because I was all of a sudden the skinniest I’ve ever been, not because I magically grew a big booty, not because grew gorgeous hair, not because I turned into Angelina Jolene, if anything my outward appearance is the least attractive it’s ever been. For the first time I felt radiant, I felt like I saw my heart, I was seeing myself in God’s perspective. It was beautiful and I felt joy. It didn’t matter that my mouth is droopy because I can’t feel it, or that my face was throbbing because I have hundreds of stitches, or that my tube was pulling on the inside of my neck. All that mattered was the woman that I know God is molding me into. I hope you all get a chance to peer into your inner beauty and feel all other vanity fade away. I hope that every person who feels that they have flaws can rejoice in their story, can rejoice in showing that they conquered something and there is no shame in that.

Love you all! For those of you who want to share my blog, please don’t feel the need to ask for permission! I am humbled and honored to have my blog reach out to others. Please pray that I can get my drain AND stitches out tomorrow at 4!