Frankenstein. July 1, 2015.

July 1, 2015

I haven’t cried in two days. I mean, I tear up at the wonderful words and blessings that people have given me, but I haven’t cried that intense, guttural cry. I was thinking about why I cry. The thing is, I haven’t cried because I’m mad, my cry hasn’t been for injustice, my cry hasn’t been pain, I had a hard time pinpointing what my cry was for. I determined it was just a cry to God, a cry to God showing Him that I am helpless and hopeless in this without Him, that I truly need Him and I am letting go and lifting it all up to Him. Don’t get me wrong, I have cried because I’m scared, and I have cried for the ones I love, seeing them hurt is painful, but I think the times in which I talked about having those gut wrenching cries, they were just me letting go of the things I can’t control and trusting that God has a greater plan than I could ever even fathom.

I went to Stanford today, praise God that traffic was clear and we got there on time. Dr.Sunwu is one of the best so I felt very confident in his word and his treatment plan for the nodes. I hate that doctors are required to list off every potential risk factor. It was like watching one of those ads for medication where you are almost better off skipping the medication just because of the horrible side effects. Like, “Call if you experience suicidal thoughts, nausea, vomiting, heart failure, pain in the abdomen, headaches, dry mouth, an obnoxious mother-in-law…”  After that was said and done he had a special surprise for me.

“So now what we want to do is what’s called a fine needle biopsy. Basically we want to sample the tumor on your neck to confirm that it is indeed cancer o we can plan the surgery.” This was the ONE thing I didn’t want to happen. So we go into a different room, not that it matters, once you go to the adult doctor it’s like they don’t care if you feel happy or not. White walls, and a poster of a zombie looking guy with veins in his face. What happened to Dr.Suess themed rooms and decent reading material? Anyway they sat me down, gave me the risk spiel, and then they gave me the numbing shot in my neck. That shot though, OW. I almost would rather skip the numbing because that’s always been the most painful part! Then they jabbed a giant needle right into the tumor like I was Frankenstein. Now as most of you know, I am a total drama queen, but it makes for good stories! So they take the first sample and it actually came back negative. Then they took a second, and to my dismay a third, cancer. I can’t say that I’m surprised, Dr.Yen kind of prepared me for that. 

Now for my prayer warriors, I need surgery ASAP but it’s hard to come by an appointment. Dr.Sunwu is pushing for next Friday, maybe Monday so please pray that a spot opens up! Please don’t pray that the person in surgery before me gets hit by a car or catches the plague.  But pray that God opens a spot for me.  I have only known about my cancer for 6 days you guys, and while the appointments and doctors and procedures can be overwhelming at times, I have to stop and realize how blessed I have been! I could be sitting here for two weeks just waiting, worrying that my cancer is spreading, and instead everyone has been proactive and I am getting a move on it. Like I said Dr. Sunwu will be clearing the margins on my face and doing a neck dissection. It will be pretty gnarly but whatever it takes.

It’s my beautiful sister’s birthday tomorrow. I have to catch myself because I feel guilty that our family is going through this on her birthday. I want to make tomorrow about her and not about my cancer! Please help me do that by wishing her a happy birthday. She is one of the most important people in my life and it is truly a day of celebration.

The Lord showed me today the importance of serving others. Traci, my adored nurse navigator, has been the biggest blessing to me. She is truly one of a kind. She went with me to my appointment, she takes notes, she puts up with my terrifying texts (like the cherries, or today I told her I got an “alarming” e-mail, nearly gave the woman a heart attack) She has been a true example of selfless and unconditional love to me. It’s really convicted me. How many times have I had the chance to serve someone and let my laziness, or time, or distractions get in the way? A good friend of mine Ude is from South Africa, he was telling me that in their culture people so important, that they don’t even glance at the clock when they are spending time with someone. They’re just there for people, all in, no distractions, and no agenda. It made me stop, I run so well off a schedule and I constantly fill it and go a million miles a minute. I want to be more intentional. The people God place in your life are there for a purpose and they are so special. I want to serve them and love them regardless of whether I feel like it, or whether I have time for it, Traci has shown me what it means to love your neighbor as yourself. I have been blessed more than I can say by her and I want to pass it on!

With that being said, you all have been so awesome in asking me what I need and how you can help, I want to turn the tables on ya, please tell me what you need and how I can help you!