Identity Crisis. July 17, 2015.

July 17, 2015.

Facebook is like a buried time capsule of every stage in your life. I am so entertained by going all the way back to 2009 and reliving who I was as a freshmen in high school when it was cool to update your status every day and do Truth is challenges and continue up until now 2015, that’s 6 solid years of history! Today as I reread embarrassing statuses and looked at a trillion selfies I really tried to picture who I was and what made me who I am today. I looked into the eyes of a freshmen with black hair, black eyeliner, and black braces. I remember switching to high school and feeling like I could be anyone I wanted, the athletic girl, the prep, the nerd, the goth, I had the freedom to choose a label. As freshmen year unfolded I struggled with identity, no matter who I tried to be I wasn’t content. Nothing was good enough and nothing satisfied the standard of perfection I had for myself. Sophomore year rolled around, braces came off and I was no longer the bottom of the food chain. I started to do some soul searching, through magazines, TV shows, and social media. I searched for a role model whom I thought had it all together. That was when I was introduced to the concept of comparison. Comparison was addicting, from the girls in the magazines to the girls at school, from the length of our hair to the shade of our skin. I would pick things about myself that were better than the opposing figure, that would build me up. Then I would tear myself back down as I noticed everything about the opposing figure that was better than me. Comparison is the thief of joy, and slowly but surely he was robbing me. Junior year I was drowning in insecurities. I was at the lowest low of my self-esteem, identifying in nothing. I was so consumed with what other people thought of me that I even started puking myself to fit the standard. I was striving to do anything, find anything that would make me feel like I was worth something. Sports, art, boys, fashion, popularity, school, I searched for fulfillment and kept finding myself empty. I hated myself and I wanted nothing to do with God because He was just another person for me to fail. As I scrolled through the end of my Junior year on Facebook my heart was heavy for the lost and hopeless girl I was. What a merciful God we have that He didn’t allow me to have Cancer during that time, I truly would not have been able to handle it. The girl back then with these scars marring her face, she would weep, she would curse God, she would become depressed, and she wouldn’t survive.

Senior year I reached a breaking point, God does that you know, brings you to the end of yourself so you have nowhere to run but to the cross. And it’s a lovely experience. One day I was doing a bible study with my Mom and Sister, at this point I had lived out a fake religion for 17 years and never had a personal relationship with Christ because of my fear. We listened to a sermon on being an “almost” or “lukewarm” Christian. Not being all in. The Lord used that to grip my heart and bring me to my knees. I couldn’t believe it, I had been living a life claiming to know Christ but I didn’t actually KNOW Him. I didn’t know Him enough to know that He loves us unconditionally, that He died for us and we can’t fail Him. That out of every relationship we could ever seek on Earth that God is the only one who is unchanging and will never abandon us. From that day on I wanted to know the God that I claimed to serve. I wanted to develop a personal relationship with Him and not just live out a religion where I had a holy checklist that I would never ever get perfect. I went from being a Christian robot,

Pray: check

Read your Bible: check

Go to Church: check

Don’t Sin: check

to truly understanding and seeking to not only know God but become more like Him. I have an identity in Christ and He silences all insecurities and fears of this Earth. It didn’t happen overnight, oh no there were many more lessons learned and I am still learning today. But I have joy, no matter the situation I have a reason to rejoice because I have a Savior who cares about me. So this girl today, marred with scars, infected with Cancer, not sure what tomorrow will bring, she is happy. I am happy and I am prepared for this battle with the Lord by my side. If God can take the timid, insecure, fearful high schooler who would photoshop her selfies and take them down if they didn’t get a certain number of likes and change her into the strong, confident woman who is not ashamed to post her struggles, then He can change you. To God be the glory and the credit for molding me into the person I am today and preparing me for this trial.