Battle Scars. June 30, 2015.

June 30, 2015

I have a scar on my face from the first surgery. In the past I would have cringed and my insecurities would have overwhelmed me. I would have dabbed makeup on it every day and I would have tried to hide it from the world in fear that they would judge me. Not today my friends, not now. I think of Cancer like a war I’m fighting. When you go to war you fight for what you love. Well I love my life and I am willing to do what it takes to fight this war with everything I have. So consider the first battle won and I have a cool battle scar that I can wear with pride!

I am going to teach you a life lesson for free, you don’t even have to go through cancer to learn it! Don’t waste your time worrying about what people think. You will always make one person so happy and at the same time you will make the other person furious. You will have the perfect hair but you will have the worst body. The list can and will go on for the rest of your life. So my suggestion, embrace and CELEBRATE who you are and how God made you. Comparison is the thief of joy people! The moment you let go of your insecurities you will be astounded by the amount of peace that will overflow your life. You don’t realize how deep those things dictate you. I never did. I used to be so controlled by my insecurities that I would turn down KLOVE when I was at the drive thru so the people handing me my meal wouldn’t judge me for listening to Christian music. How sad is that? But that used to be my reality, I was completely controlled by insecurity and I never knew peace. Insecurity means you don’t trust God. Think about it, if you trusted Him and His plan then it wouldn’t matter who thinks you aren’t pretty or who gets mad at you for having faith because the Lord doesn’t want them in your life! All you can do is live your life, and do the best to glorify God through it. The Lord has changed me so so much. I mean now He has given me so much peace that I can fight this Cancer.

I had a really wonderful day today. No doctors, tears, worries, and I wasn’t as exhausted as I usually am! I got to spend the day enjoying the beauty of downtown Santa Cruz and I got to spend some quality time with Jess whom I love with all my heart. Several people told me that they’d shave their head if I end up having to shave mine. Geeze talk about humbling! I just about crumbled hearing that. Actually I did, on the inside, if that were a thing, I’d be all crumbly…yeah…anyway I’ve said it a million times (like 10) and I’ll say it a million more times, the love and support I’ve received throughout all of this is SO AMAZING AND WONDERFUL. You all and God are going to save my life. So thank you.

I have my appointment with Stanford tomorrow at 1:30. Basically I am meeting with Dr. Sunwu, with a last name like that I know he’s going to know exactly what to do. He is an ENT (ears, nose, and throat) surgeon so he’ll most likely be doing my biopsies. Those are the two upcoming battles, two biopsies. The war will continue on after that but I find that it’s much easier to take it one step at a time. You don’t try to shove a whole hamburger down your throat, well unless you’re a drunk frat boy doing a dare, otherwise you take one bite at a time. I encourage those of you who want tons of answers to do the same!

Dad heard a sermon by Paul Washer today where he says something like, “When God says our good He means He is going to conform us to Christ, not a good life by human standards.” That is such a good reminder to me, when we as Christians read that in the bible, our good and His glory, we often think our good as in a good life. Most people would think that having cancer doesn’t seem like a good life, I’d say you’re right. By human standards cancer sucks and it’s not what I’d define a good life as. But when I look at it from God’s perspective, it’s such a good life you guys. Why? Because he is conforming me to be like Christ. My life is changing for the better right in front of my eyes and I can see Him molding and forming me to be more Christ like. And that is exactly what our good means.

I am just so blessed that God has allowed me to see the fruit of my trial. Not only in my own life but in the things you all share with me. God is doing His work. A dear friend of mine Kelsey described it as, “You are the needle contributing your stitch to God’s masterpiece, and he is the hand that is moving you.” Well Lord, you just keep on stitching!