July 2, 2015
“So I’ll stand with arms
high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who gave it all. I’ll stand, my
soul Lord to you surrendered, all I have is yours.” Today I had the privilege of
leading worship with my sister. Worship is something magic, especially when you
are going through trials. The lyrics just penetrate your soul and every emotion
escalates. I broke down after the song “The Stand” I went into the bathroom and
just collapsed on the floor. The guttural cry was back. In anguish I just cried,
I cried for the future, I cried for my family, I cried because it was Sis’s
birthday and I felt like Cancer was ruining it, I cried for the unknown, I
cried from being overwhelmed, I cried because I have Cancer. Emotions flooded
my heart and mind and the whole time I cried, God was holding me. Heart abandoned
and soul surrendered I was reminded that truly, all I have is His.
For the first time in a
while I just wanted comfort, I wanted to cry with someone I love and I just
wanted someone to hold me. I went into the chapel and saw JB sitting there. We
made eye contact and she just knew that I needed her. We went into the room and
both collapsed. As she held me we both wept. It was a really touching moment
for me and one that the Lord sent me as an answer to my prayer. How blessed I
have been to have a family that I am so close with and that loves me so much. I
felt so much love in that moment from the girl that I have always looked up to as
a big sister and a role model. When we were in high school we decided to have a
sleepover. We went to the store and grabbed every junk food that sounded good.
Cap’n Crunch, caramel popcorn, rice cakes, M&M’s, gummy worms, you name it.
We share a mutual love for Cap’n Crunch and made it a tradition to buy it every
time we had a sleepover. While I lay my head on her lap, nearly drowning in
tears, she says, “I could really go for some Cap’n Crunch right now… but I can’t
have gluten and you can’t have sugar. The devil really planned this one out!” We
just burst out in laughter, like genuine, joyous laughter. I love you so much
JB! What a light and blessing you are in my life.
People keep telling me
that they are trying to be strong for me. On the flip side I’ve tried to be
strong for people. You guys, God is our strength. I don’t need to be strong for
you and I don’t need you to be strong for me. We have to come together in an
authentic and honest fellowship. The Lord tells us to mourn with those who are
mourning, it doesn’t say stay strong and hide your feelings for those who are
mourning. The moment I shared with JB really showed me that. She made a really
good point in saying that crying doesn’t mean you’re weak or that you don’t
trust in God or that you don’t have peace. JESUS WEPT. He did! He cried out in
anguish to God and He didn’t make mistakes. Emotion is a beautiful thing that
the Lord blessed us with. We have feelings so we aren’t robots, please don’t be
afraid to show me that. I won’t hide my true emotions from you and I will
always be honest about how I’m feeling. I encourage you to do the same with
others, the Lord gave us people to help share burdens. Don’t carry it on your
own and don’t rob people of the chance to be there for you.
Enough about crying! I do
however want to say JESUS WEPT. You know why? Because He went through the
ultimate trial, He was a human, He felt real emotion, and He didn’t just expect
us to go through it alone. How awesome is it that we serve a God that not only
took our place, but went through that trial as a human. I am so encouraged to
know that the God I serve cares about me so much. He has such a beautiful plan.
I mean Jesus went through the trial of being tortured and dying, but in the end
we were all saved because of it. TRIAL = BEAUTY.
I had a rough day guys, I
really did and I am willing to be honest about that. But as the day came to a
close the Lord reminded me of His divine presence and faithfulness. $2,500
dollars have been raised on the GoFundMe page which is going to pay for a huge
chunk of my Stanford bill, the blog has received 5,000 views which blesses me
because I know God is using the blog in the lives of many, I have continued to receive
encouraging messages from everyone which keeps me positive and motivated to
fight, and 3 different people today told me that they are planning a
walk-a-thon and making t-shirts to help support me. Wow. Just wow. I have no
words to express my gratitude, I am humbled and in tears by God’s goodness and
that He has used you all to show me that I am loved and He is here fighting cancer
alongside me. God is so faithful, I have ended my tough day on a good note. I
am going to bed encouraged, refueled, blessed, humbled, and ready for whatever
the day brings tomorrow. Thank you, thank you so much.
Replace your fear and
doubt with the truth of God’s word, Psalms helped me get through the day.
“In
the day when I cried out, You answered me,
And made me bold with strength in my soul.
All
the kings of the earth shall praise You, O Lord
When
they hear the words of Your mouth”
Psalm
138:3-4
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