Mt. Cancer. July 3, 2015.

July 3, 2015

I had a strange thought yesterday that I’ve been entertaining today, and I feel like it actually makes sense. Maybe it doesn’t but bear with me. You know how they say trials are like climbing a mountain, (at least I think they do) and you just have to focus on the goal, the goal being the top of the mountain/peak. A mountain is a tough, uphill climb but once you reach the top you have a stunning view and it makes the whole climb worthwhile. Then you just get to go downhill, and while it may be a little rocky at times it’s still way easier. I started thinking about my “Cancer Mountain” and how the mountain peak, the goal, was to be healed. That was my mindset for a while until yesterday upon leaving Stanford the reality hit me, I may never be healed. The mountain all of a sudden looked as if it were an eternity of uphill, like there was no peak and I felt a moment of hopelessness.  I asked God to change my perspective because a mountain with no peak is just a horrible place to be. Then I started thinking, maybe the goal isn’t to be healed, maybe the peak isn’t a full recovery from cancer. My mountain peak is becoming more Christ-like. With each uphill step whether it’s a step in my cancer battle, or a step where someone was holding my hand, or a step in achieving a good grade in school, or a step when someone blessed me with their words, or a step in faith, or a step in not having road rage for the day, no matter what that step is, my goal is stepping closer to the cross. And wow, with that mountain peak I don’t ever want to give up.

I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and humbled (in a good way) by everyone’s kindness and support. I started to feel almost helpless like there was no way I could ever repay you all. I was talking to my beauty Jess and she said “People believe in you Hade, that’s why they do these things, the best way you can repay them is by proving them right and fighting this with all you have.” Wow. That was so encouraging and it has really helped me. I will fight this, not by my own strength but with God on my side.  I am continually motivated by everyone’s inspiring words and I just lift up a prayer for those of us who have no family, friends, support, or who don’t have Christ. I truly wouldn’t make it.

 Nutrition has been a huge part of this whole cancer thing. Apparently sugar doesn't help cancer so for those of you wanting to send me something please refrain from tempting me! Even though it’s a very kind gesture and I truly appreciate it. Anyway it’s been a struggle for me. Everyone else gets to eat whatever they want and while I still have the choice, I have to obviously pick what’s not going to feed the beast, instead I have to starve it! My Mom is a nutrition freak (I say that in a good way) she knows so much and has such a passion for health. She has been really great in encouraging me and making me tons of different bone broths and smoothies. It’s hard to have a good attitude about having a cup of bone broth for breakfast instead of Cap’n Crunch, so I’ve been praying that the Lord would help me change my perspective. She made me this smoothie yesterday that tasted like dirt the first time I sipped it and hay the second time. Unfortunately it didn’t get better. She knows that it was gross so I don’t feel bad blogging about it! If anyone has good smoothie recipes that use less fruit and more veggies please do me a favor and pass them along! That being said my Mom is a very caring, selfless person and has taken a lot of time to care for me and I really am grateful. Sorry Mom that I get grumpy sometimes over kale!

I got a letter today from one of the campers from last week. It was so sweet and said “Roses are red, Vilots are blu, you’re the most prettiest in the world.” It came at the perfect time because I’ve been so tired and low energy so my motivation to be around the kids hasn’t been the best. It doesn’t help that every time I see a camper they say “What’s that on your face?” and my best response is “It’s my battle scar.” Then they just look at me like, yeah okay…Receiving that letter though reminded me that these kids need us. They need love, they need support, they need role models, and above all else they need Christ. The girl that wrote me the letter told me that she wants me to be her big sister. What a privilege and an honor it is to be that in someone’s life.  Thank you Ciara! You are a sweet blessing to me. That was just the push I needed and an answer to prayer (once again) I want to find the energy and the patience to allow the kids to enrich my life during this time.

While I was in Spokane I started volunteering with Union Gospel Mission to lead a bible study at the juvenile detention. Going into it I was terrified. What if I didn’t say the right thing? What if they think I’m judging them? What if I don’t change their lives? Ryan, the leader of UGM said something in a meeting that changed my perspective forever. He said “You are going to go in thinking that you’re going to help these kids and change them. But instead, go in knowing that they are going to help you and change you.” I had never thought that a kid, let alone a kid in juvie, could ever help or change me. I lived on my own Christian pedestal and I didn’t even know it. Jesus didn’t separate himself from the woman at the well, or the kids that ran up to Him, instead He sat with them, ate with them, and loved them. The time I spent with the kids at juvie absolutely changed my life. They taught me that we all go through trials, and quite frankly they all look the same when you strip it down. The 13 year old girl sitting across from me who had a 2 year old and was addicted to heroin had the same insecurities and fears as me, a 21 year old girl who didn’t have a boyfriend and has never done drugs. We all sin. We all fall short of the glory of God. Praise God that I was raised in a home where I didn’t have to turn to drugs to deal with the problems of this Earth. Some would say, why did that girl get Cancer? How is that fair? You guys, I am no better than anyone else. And Cancer is not a punishment. Trials don’t happen to people because they did something bad and God is punishing them. Trials happen because we are sinners and the Lord is bringing us closer to Him. Just food for thought! Love you all!