July 12, 2015
It was so hard for me not to write yesterday! I was tempted to
stay up all night writing about the thoughts, convictions, and emotions stirring
in my brain. But I never want to feel guilty for not writing, it’s not my job
to write instead I love to write and I want to write. I never want it to become
a thing that I have to do.
That being said I had an amazing day yesterday. I started off
the day going with my Aunt Jen and Uncle Darren on their new zip line. Cliché once
again I feel like Cancer has made me want to try more, adventure more, and do
more things that I love. In the past I may have decided to sleep in more rather
than wake up early to go on a zip line. What an incredible experience! Flying
through the air, wind on my face, adrenaline pumping, and enjoying the stunning
view of the mighty pine trees and beautifully crafted terrain of Klamath Falls.
For a moment, I felt totally free. Free of the unknown, free of emotions, free
of fear, free of Cancer. I basked in the excitement of the adventure. It was
incredible. Even to the very last jump. I used to be fearless, a dare devil
ready to take on any height. I was the kindergartener that loved the Drop Zone.
But at one point I learned how to psych myself out. How to hesitate and peer
over the edge. I learned how to freeze my body in fear and have a mental block
that refused to move. For a while I didn’t even go rock jumping. But right then
as I stood 60 feet off the ground ready to jump my mind was tempted to
hesitate, to stop me. I realized that I paralyze myself with fear, and I do not
want to be controlled by fear any longer. In my mind it was confirmed that we
really only have a short life, all of us, not just the girl with Cancer. I don’t
want to be dictated by fear in any way, and with that I leaped. The first few
feet were a free fall. I had a moment of panic before I realized that I did it.
I conquered it, I was paralyzed and then I stood up and walked. How freeing it
felt. How amazing it was to feel like I could do anything.
Zip lining is a great metaphor. How many things and in how
many ways have we been paralyzed by fear in our lives? How many times have we let it dictate us and
let it choose what we do? Fear of letting your child go to college because they
might get hurt, fear of pursuing that one guy because you’re afraid you aren’t
good enough, fear of chasing your dream because you might not be successful,
fear of being bold because you might be rejected, fear of saying the wrong
thing because you might offend someone. We paralyze ourselves all the time. If
you search and dig, fear is the root of so many weeds in our lives poisoning
our beautiful garden. I encourage you to
go gardening, go dig through and don’t only cut off the top of the weed, find
the root, find the root and yank it out. Get rid of the dictator that rules
over you. Take the 60 ft. jump and find freedom. But also know, you can’t do it
alone. I didn’t just leap off the edge 60 ft and land on two feet on my own, I
was hooked up to a lead rope that helped me land softly and saved me. It was
scary knowing that my life depended on that little rope. It’s scary to let go
of your fear and place your trust in something outside yourself. God is our
lead rope you guys! You have to take a leap of faith, ditch your fears, and
trust that God is going to guide you to the ground and help you land safe and
sound.
After the excitement of zip lining my day continued to get
better upon the presence of my wonderful friend Kelsey. Kelsey is an amazing
role model to me. Her willingness to drop anything and help those in need is a
stunning characteristic. She is the girl who drives 2 hours to get a tank of
gas for strangers stranded on the side of the road, the girl who is at your
house with your favorite ice cream when you just got dumped, the girl who buys
you pizza when you’ve been drinking vegetable juice for weeks (yes she did),
the girl who drives 2 hours to spend a day with you when you need a friend, and
the girl who would shave her head for you if you felt ugly. I am constantly in
awe and humbled by her selflessness. Even when people don’t return the favor or
aren’t even grateful she has shown perseverance and proof that she gives
without seeking. We got manicures together so I while I feel gross and not
girly in the hospital I can gaze upon the beautiful mint green and feel like at
least my nails look pretty. Then we both decided to continue my amazing day
with a splurge pizza send off. That decision was quickly regretted as the
grease and cheese made our stomachs hate us. But man, it was so good going
down!
The last hurrah of the day was the open house my Mom set up
for people to come see me before surgery. I had no idea what to expect. So many
people came to see me and support me! It was incredibly humbling and enriching.
Moms told me that their daughters read the blog and learn from my example,
people gave me encouraging verses, and so many funny stories were shared! It
was the exact sendoff I needed so thank you all for blessing me with your presence.
We are now back in California as a family spending some time
together as I prepare for surgery. My parents are at the Creekside Inn and Sis
and I are staying at the Epiphany Hotel. WHAT A BLESSING. I feel like a Cancer
Kim Kardashian with the service and room we’ve received! It’s been so fulfilling
and I have nothing but positive thoughts and feelings going into surgery.
Surgery is tomorrow morning at 6:15am so my prayer warriors get ready for it! I
have no idea how drugged up I’m going to be but I will do my best to write
whenever I have a lucid moment and a sound mind. If not you may have some deciphering
to do! Who knows maybe I’ll write some amazing John Lennon type thing in my
drug induced state. Love you all!
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