No Grey's Anatomy. July 14, 2015.

July 14, 2015.

Cancer battle part two is finished. Here I sit I.V. in one hand, two drains in my neck, stitches covering my face, a flappy hospital gown on, a groaning roommate, and the sound of beepers indicating life functions,. You know the funny thing is I used to want to spend the night at the hospital as a kid. I used to think about eating jello and getting apple juice while everyone cared for me. I used to see the movies where you are in the spacious room covered in flowers and balloons and a giant window. Reality can be so harsh. Life isn't like Grey's Anatomy unfortunately.

From the beginning it was a hurry up and wait 6:00am check in where we sat around anxiously awaiting surgery. Then I strip down, and get to put the most attractive gown and head wrap on, I'm thinking a fashion trend? The anesthesiologist Doctor was extremely attractive so Jess was right about that one, you know what I'm saying. I sat in the room wearing the gown, the head wrap, the wristband tagging my identity, the ugly purple hospital socks, and an I.V. sticking out of the top of my hand. For the first time ever I felt sick. I felt like a Cancer patient and I knew that I would be accepting this sickness as a part of my life. Before it was easier because I just had a few tests and they repeated to me that I had Merkel Cell Cancer, but I still felt like me. Sitting in that room as I awaited the surgery, knowing that I would come out never being the same, I felt the cancer label imprinted on my life.  It made me cry. I cried knowing that the face I had at that moment would forever be changed, I cried knowing that I would be carved into and cut on for the next 11 hours, I cried for my family as they anxiously waited while the 11 hours ticked by, and I cried for being sick. I took my moment and composed myself as I was reminded of all the blessing that have taken place so far. The fact that I was even sitting in that room waiting for a surgery at Stanford by the best doctor there  just 16 days after my diagnosis was a blessing in itself. And I found peace knowing that you all were in constant prayer!

The next 11 hours were spent being tediously cut open as each nerve and cancer cell were separated.

I don't even remember where I woke up, there is a fuzzy recollection of being in the recovery room and seeing Dr.Sunwoo as he put a suture in my neck drain. I remember juice. Apple juice which is so good by the way. Then I remember talking to the man wheeling me to the hospital about his cool tribal tattoos.

The night spent in the hospital was horrendous. I think I got a total of 1 hour of sleep, if that. The drains in my neck weren't working properly so I had to get them fixed every hour, my roommate snored louder than a hibernating bear, Seriously I think the MRI is really just a preparation for the noise you experience in the hospital. At least I had a really awesome nurse, Dana, who was super nice, caring, hospitable, and funny. He helped walk me around and keep me entertained all night, I have a new respect for nurses, what a job! You people really are so selfless and patient and I admire every single one I've come into contact with. A good nurse can really make a huge different in your crappy hospital stay.

I was so drugged up yesterday I didn't really get a good look at my face, Today I did. It was hard at first, so many stitches, bruising, swelling, and long lines. I stared as I noticed every difference in the face I knew so well. But then I gained an appreciation, these are my battle scars. They are proof of a fight for my life. They are beautiful because I know the story behind them. And you know what, I am getting used to this new face.I hope to help people feel beautiful in their own skin. Find meaning in your "flaws" flaunt your scars, your imperfections. Find peace in knowing that you love them and find confidence in them and don't retreat to insecurity. 

I had a good day. I got to eat some solid food, french toast was first on the list, yum. My Mom's beautiful friend Kathy came to see me and enriched me with her warmth and kindness. I got to spend some quality time with my Mom and Sis, I am so grateful for their willingness to hangout with an old sickie like me! And I got a lovely little "Warm Embrace" gift from Ed and his wife which explains how I feel around them and at camp. Also, a few of the nurses I've encountered have said that they appreciate how positive I am.  How it makes their day better to see someone my age going through this kind of a thing and to see that I am taking it and making it into something good. That was so good to hear and just a reminder that your attitude can really have an impact on anyone. You can me a witness without even saying much! 

I'm still groggy from the drugs so I'm going to end it there and say goodnight, pray that I get released tomorrow! Love you all.