Fighter. July 15, 2015.

July 15, 2015.

I feel like I am a SIM. Not controlled by my own mind but controlled by nurses one minute, drugs the next minute, doctors another time, nutrition at one point, and then cancer takes a turn. They tell me when to pee, when to sleep, when to eat, what to do and when to do it all day long. My mind has been in such a blur from the pain meds that I just float along until I get my next instruction, like press (z) and leave me to finish the task (for those of you who played/play Sims you understand). It makes me feel sad for people who live like this, especially those who choose to have their mind blurred out and filled with a giant cloud of nothingness. To just exist day by day, I refuse. 

Here I as I sit typing away I finally have a change of scenery. I have escaped the hospital prison and I now reside in a room back at camp. Hallelujah! I slept one full hour with no needles being shoved into my arm, no beeping, and most of all no Pam groaning "Ohhhh owwwww NURSE PAIN MEDS GOD!" Pam, she was definitely my trial whilst recovering from my surgery trial. So many sleepless hours listening to her snore or complain made me so tempted to absolutely loose it, Unfortunately when I write something in my blog I try to follow my own advice so I had to repeat in my mind "Trial Signs." There she sat, bitter and lonely, awaiting a surgery to help relieve her from pain. She didn't have one visitor come in while I was there and after a later discussion she wasn't planning on having any. I knew that I needed to find an extra dose of patience and grace and show this woman love. That sure didn't mean that I didn't wake up when she turned on the light every hour and think "Really God, really? I can't just have a solid night of sleep?" When I was getting ready to leave the hospital today Pam said to me, "Haley, you're a brave girl and you are going to get this. You have a great attitude and I want to wish you the best of luck my Libra." And we left off on a good note and you know what that feels good guys. Trial signs, treat people like they have a big blinking one above their heads. 

The pain is pretty bad today, up until this point I've been numb from surgery but slowly there is a tingle in different parts of my face as I regain feeling. Then I'm reminded that my face and neck were cut up and my body isn't too happy about it. It was an 11 hour surgery as most of you know by now. I can't even imagine being a doctor and standing there cutting and moving things for 11 hours! Besides sleeping I can't think of anything that I've done for 11 hours straight. Anyway so he cut out several tumors in my lymph nodes near my jawline, he cleared the margins on my face around the previous tumor, he removed my salivary gland where more cancer was found, he also removed a few other lymph nodes in my lower neck, and then he cut off a chunk of my neck muscle and re positioned it to fill in the gaps in my face where he took out so much tissue. Wow. Just wow you guys we have amazing technology but how about these bodies that God gave us! I had two drains in the back of my neck to remove fluid build up, I know it's super gross, but today Dr. Sunwoo was able to take one out. It was a gnarly feeling having him pull out a tube that goes in through the back of my neck all the way down into my lymph nodes. Then he had to stitch me up which was painful but geeze the dang local anesthetic shot is worse! Actually no I've decided that Heparin is the worst by far. It's the blood clot shot they give you every 8 hours in the arms and stomach. 

I'm on the road to recovery after my second cancer battle guys! This is exciting news and it feels good to be taking another step forward. I posted a picture on Facebook last night of all my new battle wounds and was overwhelmed by the response! 500 likes and so many messages later, my blog is up to 12,000 views, I have lost count but the GoFundMe page is past the original goal, and I've received so many encouraging letters and care packages. Thank you guys! You know it was hard posting that picture at first. Everything about it goes against what society calls beauty. I have no makeup, my hair is matted from surgery, I am in a white hospital gown, and I have giant marks all over my face. Yet why did it get 500 likes? Because it's real life. Because we all can relate to the ugly marks from trials in our lives. Because society tells us to cringe and hide them, to keep them covered up and keep people comfortable. I want to challenge society to rejoice in the beauty of overcoming trials, to be proud of the marks left by the trials in our lives that we've conquered. The marks on my face are going to get stares, they are going to get the "Mommy what's wrong with her face?" They are going to get the "That girl would be so pretty if she didn't have those big scars." I've been that girl, you've been that kid, we've all done it. Let's change that. Let's be the "Wow you can tell she's a fighter and she didn't go down with that trial." Because that's exactly right, Battle scars are beautiful.

I feel like hospital. I smell like hospital. I taste like hospital. Love you all, I'm going to go try to feel human again starting with some deodorant!